The Surrender Project: Day 20: Honing My Intuition

As I sit here and think about how to start off this day 20 blog I was struck with the thought that my days are pretty much the same every day. I mean to the extent that where the only major differences are what happens after 5:00 when I typically go meet up with my friends here. Today was ever so slightly different, as I ate my first meal at the hostel, which might be my favorite food I have had in India so far. It was Kadai Paneer but the paneer was individually fried before mixing it in the sauce, so it was crunchy on the outside but soft on the inside. I am also realizing that “spicy” here typically means incredibly seasoned food, as even when they warn of how spicy it is, the heat doesn’t seem to increase. But what does increase is the depth of flavor and amount of spices seemingly added. But as I was saying, my days are not that different in the morning. There are some differences and minor things, but the routine in Jaipur is very much set, and realizing that I think it might be time to venture to my next destination soon. But before I go too far down that path of what is next, I will dig into what this travel is looking like for me and what I am seeking from it.

An introspective thought popped up, one where I tried to put myself into your, the reader’s, shoes and look at my blog and my days from an outside perspective. Am I not doing enough with my time here? I ask myself. I mean each day I am not waking up until 10:00 or so, and then its mediation, food, chill, write, and whatever until 5:00 when I go meet up with friends. From a judgmental perspective I asked myself why am I sleeping in so much? Why am I not waking up for sunrises and doing more with my days? The answer came quite quickly as a matter of fact. It is because I am just living life. I honestly do not feel like I am traveling at times. I mean yes, I am aware that I am in a new city every week and I walk the streets and take pictures. I realize this isn’t my home. But it feels that way sometimes, day 20 marks five full months of me traveling now. That is a long freaking time. At this point it no longer feels like I am on the move and only have so much time to pack in everything. I am just living in different places, so I am doing similar things to what I would do if I was back home. Maybe my sleep would be slightly different, going to bed before 1:00 am and waking up before 10:00, but it is just another routine of life. My defensive side would respond and say, “well why aren’t you waking up before work everyday to catch sunrise? Or why aren’t you doing something crazy with your time?” I think we as humans love our routines, we enjoy the comforts of life, and this is a good thing by the way. It can be challenging to do things everyday that are new or different. Not to mention it can be freaking draining energetically. Routines allow us to not have to think non-stop, to be able to save energy for other things. Maybe? Maybe it is because I am missing home a bit today, or missing the routines that I know are more permanent than just a week long. That is probably why I find myself writing about routines now, or comforts back home, or just finding reasons to justify me sleeping in until 10:00 and writing during the day. It is sort of wild for me to think that it has been five months. Part of me feels like it has been so much longer than that. But part of me has a sinking feeling that pretty soon this time, this travel experience, will be a memory and a thing of the past. A dream I have had for so long and it will have ended, spitting out a new version of me who has without a doubt changed and grown throughout the process. Either way, this adventure, this part of me will have been lived out. I do not think I am accurately portraying the space my mind is currently occupying. I’ll keep trying. It is sort of a a bittersweet feeling. I am filled with pride and gratitude for the ability to go on this journey in the first place, as well as everything I have been able to experience. But there is also the sadness of saying goodbye to a past version of myself, the one who was boarding a plane five months ago filled to the brim with wonder and curiosity for what was to come, feeling like he was at the precipice of a life changing adventure. There was a quote that I read today in Man’s Search For Meaning when Frankl is talking about how we shouldn’t pity the old but envy them because, “instead of possibilities in the future, they have realities in the past - the potentialities they have actualized, the meanings they have fulfilled, the values they have realized - and nothing and nobody can ever remove these assets from the past.” This travel will at some point be an actualized potential, which is bittersweet in and of itself. Maybe it is too soon to be writing about moving through chapters in life because I am still on this one. I guess I am the only one who makes the rules for this blog so it doesn’t matter. The beauty is that the values from travel have been realized and will continue to be realized. That the fact that I actually did this and all the specific memories and lessons can never be taken from me. The idea to keep going after things in our life, even if we will miss them when that time is up. It is no longer just a dream, something that keeps me awake at night to wonder what it would be like to explore the world without a plan. I fully intend on travel being a regular thing in my life, and want to ensure that it stays that way. But there may not be the same opportunity to take off 5, 6, 7, or 10 months to travel without responsibility back home, or I just will not want to be away for that long again. Who knows. It is a bit of a mind-game I get with myself at times when I am missing parts of home. There are days where I miss home, I miss my family, my friends, routine, comfortability, my own bedroom, my own bed, familiarity, people speaking my language, my car, my clothes, etc. Of course we have these days, that is a reality of being away from things that we love. But then I think about going home and ending this adventure, this once in a life time adventure and that scares me as well because I am not ready for it to end. It is like an itch that you cannot scratch. I cannot go home and get those comforts without leaving this life of travel, yet I am not willing to give up this life of travel for those comforts yet. You see how this can be challenging? I think it will be challenging even when I do decide to call it a day and book a flight home, I think the plane ride home will still present some thoughts around if I am making the right decision or not. But I am getting a bit ahead of myself here, that will just have to be another blog in the future written on the actual plane ride home. No point in speculating how I will feel in a month or two or three or five.

I do not know what is next after Jaipur, but as I mentioned I am getting the feeling that it is about time to move on. During some of these days where I end a meditation or consciously not touch my phone I am getting this desire to remove myself from all of it for a period of time. Meaning, a set amount of time with nothing but myself. There are two routes in which I think this can go. One, the easier route, a meditation retreat where I stay at a place, learn how to meditate better, meditate for a few hours a day, and carry on with other parts of my life in my free time. This feels like the more realistic option for what is next, as I could continue this blog to see it through to the thirty days. The second option, and something that I have been getting called to for a few months now, is a darkness retreat. This is an experience I want to have before I go home. This is the more intense version of that removal of everything from your life. Because you do, you remove everything, including sight and sound. What is a darkness retreat? Well, it is a retreat where you stay in a dark room for a set amount of days, anywhere from 5-10 or so days. The room is pitch black the entire time, they feed you two meals a day and you can choose to have them ask you a basic “are you doing okay?” Once a day to ensure you are okay. The point is to dive fully 100% into yourself. There is not a single distraction, it is only you and your mind. If this sounds terrifying just know I think so too. A week!? Do you realize how long a week is?! There are also certain chemicals your brain releases during this time to make the whole event even more intense. I will leave that up to you to research if you so choose to. This is up there on my bucket list of things to do, but maybe something I will choose to do closer to my going home time. As I think there will be some insights and thoughts that will bring me into the deepest part of me that I have never accessed before, and a comfortable place might be where I want to integrate some of that. Again, I am getting ahead of myself with the darkness retreat idea. I also think it would be valuable to do a meditation retreat first, as meditation will probably occupy many hours a day during that darkness week, and having a more sound knowledge of how to get into and stay in deeper states of meditation might be crucial to actually getting through it. I am just putting this out there to manifest it coming into my life at some point and to give you a heads up that there will be a darkness retreat blog that will probably be extensive.

I want to dig a bit deeper into the idea that I keep getting this feeling of removing things from myself, or myself from external things. This is a great example of listening to life guiding you. I believe that there are reasons certain feelings keep popping up, and that they do so to act as a guide for us in where we are supposed to go. I want to quickly mention awareness again, this is all possible because of the ability to be able to hear these whispers by being aware of your feelings and desires. This feeling of wanting to remove external stimuli isn’t a glaring thing, a sign in front of my face telling me to do it. It is a tiny little nudge I barely notice after a half hour of meditation followed by sitting outside in the sun and just thinking. Or when I reach for my phone and catch myself, hearing this little whisper not to. It would be so easy to miss, and honestly something I think I may have in the past. It helps being in this situation that is forcing me to be extra aware of these things, and in a writing state where I dig into everything I notice. It almost feels like a little message telling me that I do not need anything external to feel good. That I should challenge myself by not having any external stimuli for a bit and see where it takes me. I do not want to put any expectations on anything, but the idea of going through days with nothing is enticing. My curiosity flutters with the ideas of what might come up in that space, of the challenges my mind will go through in a time spent removed from anything putting external thoughts or idea into my mind. Another sign that something is calling you in, if it sounds fun and like something you want to do. I mean think about it, we are all attracted to different things, different people, and different ideas. Why are we each attracted to what we are attracted to? I am sure there are many reasons, and one might be because it is something that is calling us in. This idea of submitting into darkness for a week freaking excites me! It also makes me incredibly nervous and scared, but it keeps drawing me in. When I tell friends or people I meet a lot of them respond with “nope. Not for me. No chance.” because it doesn’t sound or feel attractive to them. It is to me, so maybe that is a sign to do it. Obviously there are so many ways to argue this theory, “Oh, so since I want to drink alcohol everyday and smoke cigarettes I should? It is calling me in, right?” Well, great argument Henry, but no. Because even if you want to do something, how does it feel in your gut? Deep down in your gut you still know what is right and wrong, or what is just a desire or something deeper. Deep down you know you shouldn’t grab that cigarette, or drink that can of Coke, but the desire is pulling you in. I guess it comes back to honing in your intuition and being aware of your energy and yourself. Are you able to hear your gut speak to you? Or is this just some random term you have heard before but never understood the idea of intuition? Just something to think about I guess.

Okay, let me get into the day a little bit, but we are going to skip all the writing, reading (finished Man’s Search For Meaning, so send me book recs), thinking, and whatever else I did up until 5:00. The plan was to meet my friend again, as the necklace that I had custom made was ready. I walked again, enjoying the movement after a day sitting and writing. It is only about two miles, and during the walk I had my headphones in, jamming out in my own world. That is sometimes one of my favorite things to do, throw in headphones and walk down busy streets because you can pretend like you are in your own movie or just feed off of the energy of the music. Today I chose hip-hop, specifically J. Cole to be the narrator to my walk, as I think he has some of my favorite lyrics in music and it is such a vibe while strolling the busy streets. Eventually I get to our meeting spot, stopping for two bananas and a few conversations on the way. I give my friend a handshake and a hug and hop on the scooter to go to his house. It is my first time going inside, and really a cool experience to get a feel for what a home looks like here. I am not going to go into too much detail, but it isn’t a large space, and there isn’t a whole lot inside. We go into his bedroom and he shows me the necklace that was made, and I am stoked! Very happy with the finished product and just overall excited to buy something. I haven’t really bought myself anything on this trip as a lasting souvenir. I mean besides a ring, a bracelet, and a tattoo but all of that was months ago in Thailand. We then just hung out and talked. He asked questions about my life and family, and we just shared more about our time growing up, family stuff, deaths we have experienced, and a few other things. At some point I wanted to share a quote from Man’s Search For Meaning so I gave him a twenty second rundown about how it was written by a holocaust survivor who was a psychologist and so on. He had a bit of a blank look about the holocaust so I asked if he knew what it was. He shook his head, no. I mentioned it was during World War II, a genocide of mass proportions of members of the Jewish community. Again sort of a blank look, so I asked if he knew what World War II was. He shook his head, no. Now, I want to make clear that I do not point this out to highlight my friend not being educated on history but to highlight my glaring naivety when it comes to others education as a whole. I just assumed that everybody in the world had some base knowledge or at least had heard of the Holocaust, let alone World War II. But for me to just assume that everybody was given the same education I was as a kid shows my ignorance towards the world as a whole. Back to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, I have never had to worry about food, shelter, health, personal safety, etc. which has allowed me a position to learn about past wars and world history to some degree. Somebody who grew up having to worry about food, shelter, safety, do you think they give a fuck about World War II? No, they just want to eat dinner. It also highlighted to me the vast amount of knowledge that I/others in my economic position know just by being able to go to school. That there are probably billions of people who do not know any history or a deeper understanding about how the world operates at any level. It was eye opening to me to think about the amount of people who will not be able to get to that point. And even now many of these people have a smart phone, but the information that gets given to them daily is useless half of the time. I am not sure what my overall takeaway is from this, and I honestly want to think more about it before I say something that I do not fully stand behind. But it was definitely an eye-opening experience.

After we hangout for a while and I gave him a brief history lesson on WWII we went to go get some food. But first, we passed a guy on the street who waved us down. He is friends with my friend and wanted to say hello. He also happens to have a son that is getting married tomorrow, and upon seeing me on the back of my friends moped, invited me to the wedding. I am officially going to cross off a bucket list item from India by saying I got invited to a strangers wedding! This does mean we need some clothes, so before dinner we stop at a random building with no lights and a closed door. My friend pushes the door open and we walk down a dark hallway into a back room that has jeans and dress shirts laying in piles covering the floor. We pick out some new clothes for me, I let go of control and let the guys choose what I get, which ended up getting a pair of jeans I would never put on back home. They are bootcut I think, and I am absolutely swimming in them, but they said that is the style so I am just going to go for it. As I am trying on jeans and shirts a group of other guys walk in, obviously startled how an American could have found out about their friend who sells clothes out of a back room in his house. It made me appreciate the moment, trying on a bunch of clothes with seven other guys watching me in a random room in a random persons house in a very un-touristy part of Jaipur. I made a comment to my friend about it when we were driving in the streets and how everybody seems so shocked to see me back here. He says, “well yeah, what do you expect? Tourists straight up do not come to this area. Ever. So when they see you it feels unfamiliar to see a tourist in their home streets.” It made me more accepting of all the stares and attention. It also made me even more appreciative for this guy who has shown me parts of a city that very few tourists will ever get to experience. It made me grateful that I happen to be the one who does get to experience it, to see these real parts of the city that do not show up on the map. To see what life is truly like for the people who call this place home, to fully and completely submerse myself in their culture. And doing so with a local who lives here makes it so much richer of an experience. He knows all the back alley places to buy kebabs at a fraction of the cost. Or he has friends who open their backdoor for us to sit and eat the previously mentioned kebabs. It is an experience that you cannot purchase. The realness of it is unreplicable, there is no website or tourist page where you can get this same experience. Hanging out with a guy and his friends every night from 5:00 until 10:00ish. Just doing things they normally do, living life with them. At this point it feels like I am just hanging out with my buddies after work. Just that my buddies happen to be a couple Indian men and after work means cruising the back streets of Jaipur in search of food, clothes, and tea. It is such a gift to have fallen into this spot. And I think it highlights the true beauty of staying in one place for a long enough time to experience it. Two or three days is not enough to form these relationships. Thankful for life for bringing me to the here and the now, and I am so excited to see what this Indian wedding has in store for me tomorrow. And with that, I wish you all a wonderful day.

P.S. Just realized I am now two thirds of the way through this project. It is cruising by woah.