Presence

I often struggle with the idea of sharing a piece of me that is not my best. Look at my Instagram for example, every picture on my page is taken on my camera, edited in lightroom, and thoughtfully placed out into the world. I am not sure where this fear comes from, or if it is even a fear. Maybe I think people just will not want to see a picture on my page unless it’s a certified banger or some crazy cool location. Yes, these are fun photos for me to share because a lot of the time the ‘best’ pictures come from the most unique locations, and it is enjoyable for me to share some of the work I am most proud of. However, I want to change my use of social media and what I put out in the world overall, not just my best but ideally my most authentic version. I want social media to create a community behind what we are sharing, not individual posts to highlight our achievements. One way I think I can do that is through writing, or at least give a snippet into my mind and some of the things I think about. Unsurprisingly, writing is also a medium that I hesitate to share a lot of. I typically use writing as a way to work through thoughts, whether that be writing a story or event that I want to remember or trying to figure out the complexity of my brain and bring some understanding to what I am thinking or feeling at the time. I think because so much of my writing is where I put my most vulnerable self, I worry that sharing that will be too much. But what is too much? I was talking to a friend on the phone the other night as he was driving across the country with all his belongings talking about this exact idea. I would argue the most important part of life is the deep relationships we are able to form with people. And these people are the people I share the most with, get the most vulnerable with, and in turn strengthen that deep connection even more. Why am I telling you this? Because it directly relates to this fear I, and many others, have to share ourselves with strangers in a vulnerable way. And that is why I want to share more writing, to start the process of sharing more and being authentic in what I put out in the hopes it will facilitate a more vulnerable and open community to foster these connections. My favorite way to express my ideas is with a story attached because telling a story and adding some creative writing is so fun. So, today is going to be less of a story and more of me sharing a thought, and a picture, from the other morning.

I slowly become conscious I am awake, blinking a few times as I get a bearing for my surroundings and begin to make sense of what was the dream and what is reality. It is still dark out and I am hopeful I can go back to bed and sleep a few more hours before it is time to get up and get the day started. I turn over and grab my phone, slightly blinding myself with the light as I read the time, 5:58 am… shit. I turn off my alarm and roll over, convincing myself that I have another 15 minutes to lay in bed before I need to get up. Those 15 minutes go by as soon as I shut my eyes. This time I actually get up, as I have more than myself that I am responsible for this morning. I am currently taking care of a good friend’s dogs, so I am staying at his house outside of the city on a few acres of land. I had no idea I would find such tranquility and peace being alone without being able to see the neighbors or hear anything besides nature. After a quick shower I get the dogs up and head outside. It is a brisk morning, 48 degrees according to my phone. It is the type of early fall morning that is almost indescribable with how it feels, but I am going to give it my best shot. It is about 6:45 am at this point, with the sun just below the horizon, but enough light to start to wake up the world. It feels like the definition of chilly, the air is thick with moisture, the ground coated with a heavy dew, and the earth seems to still be sleeping. The birds are chirping a little bit, but there is no wind or really any other sound for that matter. After letting the dogs go about their business, I realize there is a light fog hovering over the ground, thicker at the bottom of the rolling hills, nonexistent at the top. It feels like the perfect opportunity for some moody fall pictures, so I run back inside and grab my camera. I only ended up taking about 10 pictures, but there is something about having a camera in your hand that makes you see the world differently. This is hands down the best thing photography has taught me, how to see the world. How to notice the details of the grass, the trees, the clouds, the sky. How much damn color there is in everything, sometimes not super vibrant, but even the amount shades of green and brown and blue you see in every single detail of the world. It is breathtakingly beautiful to stop and really see everything for what it is. As I walked down a hill and through a path cut into the prairie, I pause for a second and look around with more intention than I have in a long time. I am not sure if it was because I had my camera in my hand and I was analyzing the world to find a good frame, or if it was the fog blanketing the ground, like a residual effect of the world waking up, like the earth’s version of grogginess, or if it was from the calmness that only fall can bring. But being able to stop and breath and become fully present in that moment felt incredibly neutral. Yes, neutral. It was not like I was ecstatic and jumping for joy, but I also wasn’t sad or anxious or any other emotion on the opposite side of joy, I was right in between, complete tranquility. Everything just slowed down and felt right in that moment. After heading back inside and getting some breakfast I hopped in my car to drive the thirty minutes to work, where I didn’t even turn on music or listen to a book, I just allowed my mind to reflect on the few minutes I was able to be outside this morning and feel incredibly grounded.

              I love Fall. It is my favorite season and I have always been able to point to a lot of the reasons why; cold mornings with the windows open wrapped up in blankets, lots of layers making fashion and clothing options way better, camping without bugs and having campfires, and just about anything else you can use the word “cozy” to describe. However, this year something else popped into my head; fall allows us to slow down. Summers are freaking crazy, especially in Minnesota. We are all constantly on the go, trying to pack in as many activities as possible before it gets cold, and we have to be shut inside for 5 months. Sometimes that go-go-go can take a bit of a toll and burn you down a little bit, so when the weather starts to turn it is like the world is telling you it is time to slow down and appreciate the past season of life and get ready for the hibernation of winter. I think the reason this morning was so special was that it all finally clicked, that I can slow down and appreciate everything now. And in turn, I noticed the trees and how they looked with the fog licking up their trunks. I noticed how just the top quarter of the forest was lit up by the sun, reflecting a golden brown light compared to the dull green of the rest of it. I noticed the almost full moon sinking lower into the sky, like it was saying “I did my job all night, time for me to rest and for the sun to takeover”. I noticed the fog slowly fade as the sun started to warm up the earth. I noticed the birds start to chirp more in anticipation of the day to come. I noticed the different shades of brown, green, orange, and yellow that the different types of trees were turning, each somehow their own unique shade. I sat in the indefinite beauty that this world has and felt the scale of everything. How every single tiny piece of grass, every single leaf, every single plant, and every single tree is a living thing with its own existence. The thousands of bugs and hundreds of mice that were running around the prairie and farmland around me. There are so many miraculous things happening all around us at any second, and it is so easy to get lost in this rush of life that we don’t stop and smell the roses. The practice of mindfulness is invaluable, and this morning was a great reminder to step into that more. Next time you go outside just stop and look around you. What do you notice? Pick one thing, a tree for example, and just notice it and soak it in. See the way its branches intermingle and reach outward, how big it is, how the bark looks, the color of the leaves, basically anything. Just appreciate it for what it is. Or next time you are driving to work, think about how cool it is that we get to drive these 4 wheeled machines and go 70 mph, touching buttons to accelerate or slow down, while blasting our favorite music and driving on these roads that took years of intricate planning and design to create. So many times I notice I am almost to work and didn’t even realize it, or I am lost thinking about something else, or mad that there is traffic or that person cut me off. We get to do so many mind bogglingly fun things every single day and it is SO easy to take it for granted, let alone even notice it. We get to create concoctions of food that we fuel our bodies with, drink a clear liquid that tastes incredible and hydrates and energizes our body, use our brains to solve problems, get creative, or just move our bodies in some way. Everything is an absolute miracle if you can slow down and appreciate it for what it is. I get so giddy writing this and thinking about these thoughts. That I get to have these beautiful thoughts run through my head, that by some crazy miracle my brain is thinking these ideas, and somehow able to tell my fingers to tap a bunch of squares on a keyboard that in turn tell a story with an idea and a message. That. Is. So. Cool!

I am so appreciative of this slow morning because I haven’t had some of these thoughts in a long time. It was such a good reminder of for me that no matter what is going on in your life, to stop and smell the roses and get a little grounded. As I mentioned a little bit in the intro of this entry, I am doing this to be more open and share random thoughts. It is just as much a reminder for me as it is a challenge to you. I have hesitated to share these types of thoughts previously because I never wanted it to come across preachy or anything like that. I tend to get really excited about things sometimes, oftentimes things that have happened to me, and I never want me sharing these experiences or thoughts to come across in a way that feels wrong. Anyway, I hope this can act as a reminder to slow down and notice the beauty of the world existing around you and to give in to what it is trying to show you, even if that means being a little more open to people you barely know.