The Surrender Project: Day 1: Getting Into the Swing of Things

My first day in and I already feel like I have felt a massive range of emotions, today was the definition of highs and lows. Also, crazy thing, it is so easy to say “oh I want to be uncomfortable because then I learn and grow and blah blah blah” but then you’re actually uncomfortable in the middle of a random city of 11 million people in India and it hits you like, “oh shit, this fucking sucks, why do I want to seek this out again?!” But let me start from the beginning before I get ahead of myself.

I woke up at five in the morning from a dream about wasting my day by sitting around on my phone and not exploring the city, which led me to not be able to write anything or share pictures. Yeah, a bit of an anxiety inducing way to wake up for a day I already have a bit of fear around. Luckily I went back to sleep for two or so more hours before I got up and did a morning meditation in bed, trying to open up the mind and see if a theme came in for the focus of the day. Honestly, nothing did at all so I took that as a sign that I am not supposed to have a theme today and just photograph what I see (side note, as I am writing this I am thinking that the theme idea can either be based on what shows up in meditation or where the day takes me/if I see something that can be a theme while I’m out shooting). I decide it is probably best to just go get some food and not worry about what I will be doing yet today. I get ready and grab my things, feeling pretty energized and overall excited about where I am going to end up, definitely to a point where I had pretty high expectations for miraculous things to happen, mistake number one. It is important to note that the area I am staying in is not exactly a tourist hotspot, and for good reason. At one point today I was talking with a local guy who came up to me and I asked if he sees a lot of tourists here, he literally laughed and shook his head, “no, the only people who live here are here for a job, no tourists ever come here, that is why I wanted to come ask what you are doing.” Nice. That might explain the nonstop stares/hellos/waves/selfies/smiles/“where are you from!” And just about about anything else that made me feel like I was completely out of place all day. 

I digress, back to walking out of my place to find some breakfast. I venture out, expecting to see loads of restaurants and cafes and many options to get food. I see a street cart right away but decide to wait, as basically everybody told me to not eat street food immediately, and to let your stomach adjust a bit before you do. About thirty minutes into this “quick breakfast grab” I am walking through some back alleys where seemingly every building is a “Boys Hostel” which is just a communal living space for men to live in hostel like rooms for cheap. When all of a sudden it hits me; there are heaps of garbage in places, non-stop horns echoing off the endless walls, piles of broken concrete and a never-ending half finished construction going on. A wave of anxiety comes over me and all I can think is “what in the actual fuck am I doing here.” I am in some random back alley, in the most random area, in a random city of 11 million people, in the middle of India with no plan. No clue what I am doing today, no clue what I am doing tomorrow, no clue what I am doing right now for that matter. I felt fucking lost for a hot minute there. And I wish I could say I stopped, focused on my breathing and came back to the present, laughed it off and skipped down the street waving at strangers, but I didn’t. I did take a few deep breaths and decided to take out my phone and find a spot to eat, which somehow didn’t work either, so I decided to just walk back to the restaurant that the people from my living space recommended the day before. Part of what makes this challenging is that as I am going through this every person that walks past me is watching me, holding the gaze far longer than what would be deemed appropriate in the west. Now, truthfully I don’t mind this, it will definitely take some getting used to, but no judgement towards people for being surprised a blond, white kid is in their city. I eventually get back to the street I recognize and a feeling of security starts to come back, which is absolutely crazy that just some familiarity, even if its a cluster of shops and people and phone lines and honking and garbage and rocks, can ground me and make me feel a little bit calmer. I grab breakfast at the restaurant I recognized, which still isn’t a normal easy thing, nor is it calm and peaceful. I walk in and they tell me to sit down at a four person table where another guy is already eating, with three empty seats around him. I sit down and get handed a menu, and trying to be friendly I ask the guy at the table next to me what he recommends, because there are about 30 items listed and the only word I recognize is Masala. He  speaks very broken English and I cannot understand him, so he just grabs the menu from the table and calls over the server to order for me. Honestly, cool, this works perfectly in my mind because I get something good that he likes and I don’t have to worry about anything. However, this isn’t exactly what ensues. The server seems slightly annoyed that he is trying to order for me so hands me back the menu, with another server coming over and two other guys to all point out what I should get, all talking very fast back and forth with three fingers all pointing at different things on the menu. I just say “okay okay” and point at the one my original server recommends and everybody leaves. I sit there and just take in the moment after this. One of my goals is to also never take out my phone as an anxiety response, something we humans do ALL the time when we are slightly uncomfortable without even realizing it. Don’t believe me? Next time you’re in line in a crowded store or you’re around a bunch of strangers or in any position where you’re slightly uncomfortable notice to see if you reach for your phone. If not, good for you, because I have caught myself doing that a handful of times. What I do notice however, is that basically everybody in the restaurant is on their phone as they eat, they are just like everybody else in the world. As I am sitting their just sorta watching everything and thinking about how crazy it is how addicted we are to our phones as a society, two more people sit down at our table, and take out their phones. Obviously, this isn’t what you would expect in the western world, sitting down at a four top and every free chair is open for whoever to join for breakfast. Some of the people at my table eat fast, and as soon as they stand up another replaces them. I personally am a fan of this, what an amazing way to meet people and just interact with strangers in a day to day setting. I ended up having three different conversations with people at my table, and when they were done they just left with a little head nod, nothing more, nothing less. It seems like a good idea to be more connected as a society because sometimes I feel like we are all strangers afraid of interacting with each other. After I finished I was brought a chai tea to enjoy, and then I too left, with my seat quickly being filled.

I was starting to feel a bit less anxious and decided to make a quick pitstop at my place to fill up my water bottle and figure out the ‘plan’ for the day. I had no idea what to do and the anxiety was starting to creep back in. This was a valuable lesson in that even having no plan I still need to do something, I can still take action steps without ‘planning’ it out. So, I opened up google maps, clicked on a random temple and decided to go check out that area. I walked a few hundred meters down the street and hopped on the bus, which took me to the metro, which I road for about 40 minutes before getting off. I skip over this part but what an experience even the little things are in a new country. Trying to figure out the bus system, the metro, where to go, how to pay, it is all a sensory experience and a challenge within itself to figure out. I realized the time spent in transportation is going to be a valuable time to slow down and catch my breath, throw in some headphones and zone out of the busyness for a few minutes. Once I was on the metro I felt almost all my anxiety going away, I finally had a purpose of what I was doing. Which is interesting and something I am excited to explore more, a purpose seems like something we all chase. A purpose in life, a purpose in everything we do, is this needed to not feel lost and anxious? Or can we find peacefulness just in the act of being and existing in that moment, can that be our purpose? Anyway, as I get off the metro I grab my camera out and head down a random street, never actually intending to go to the temple, I just wanted an area to explore. About thirty seconds in I get my first selfie request of the day, first of probably about twelve, a light day I would say in the selfie category. I talk with this guy for a bit and then bid farewell and keep moving, starting to snap a few random pictures, almost like a warmup for when I see and run into people I want to ask for a picture. It is a weird process asking strangers to take their picture and I literally need to warm up, to feel confident with the camera in my hand and confident to even ask. Because I imagine that might be an odd thing for some people, the one white dude they see for who knows how long comes up to them on the street with this large camera and says, “can I photograph you?” A million things might run through their mind in that moment, and I try to not let that get lost on me as I do the asking. Anyway, as I start to get into the swing of things more, more people are coming up to talk to me, and after an hour of walking around random streets and shooting random pictures I find myself walking down a quieter alley, one in which I pause for a second and let my reality sink in. I am in some random back alley, in the most random area, in a random city of 11 million people, in the middle of India with no plan. No clue what I am doing today, no clue what I am doing tomorrow, no clue what I am doing right now for that matter. And I felt fucking ALIVE for a moment. I felt a ball of energy growing in my stomach and reaching out in every direction to latch onto this feeling of being alive and present and connected to it all. I felt like laughing at the fact that I get to do this for fun on a fucking Thursday. That I get to connect in these weird little ways with all these strangers in Hyderabad, India. What a gift it is to be able to exist and experience such a rich place. You see how the same moment can bring drastically different feelings? This morning I was in the exact same situation, some back alley with no plan and no idea what was happening, except I freaked out a bit. Now I feel alive and my senses are tingling with every smell and the literally nonstop honking of horns and the never ending glances my way. Another wave of excitement hits me as I realize I get to share this story, I get to try my best to put these feelings into words so another human can feel this for a split second. It snaps me back to reality as I realize I have only taken like two pictures that seem like ones I would want to share, so I continue my walk around, this time with a newfound confidence that brings me more interactions with strangers and more pictures of people and events that capture my eye.

I could keep writing the details of the next 8 hours of my day that lead me to here, sitting down at 10 pm to edit pictures and write some words. But I think this captures the point pretty well. Over that time I would feel down a few more times, as well as a few more highs mostly coming from strangers who gave me a genuine smile or a wave and seem so excited to see me. I seemed to capture a few of those moments so I will let the pictures help explain some of what I got to experience today. I think the biggest takeaway from today was that challenging things are not fun, it is so easy to say we want to be uncomfortable and push ourselves, but when it actually comes to it being really uncomfortable sucks, the feelings and emotions that arise are challenging, but I LOVE it for that reason. That IS where we grow, where we learn how to sit in and handle anxiety, how to handle feeling lost about where we are going. Because today was a great reminder that it always works out. My day was so simple, I walked around with my camera, that’s about it. Yet I am feeling so fulfilled and so grateful to be sitting here writing this right now.

As for the photography, I realized a few things out there today. But before I mention those I want to highlight why I chose this picture as the cover. The big cities in India are hectic, it is fast and loud and crazy and almost a sensory overload at times. But this man found a few massive piles of garbage in the median of a multi-lane road to post up in, smoke a cigarette, and chill on his phone. I just freaking loved it that he was so nonchalant. Okay going forward two things I want to work on; one, that during the day I felt like I only had a few pictures I liked. At the end of the day I ended up editing 49 pictures that I deemed worthy to edit, out of 49 I will probably share 20 or so. The second and more important point, slow down and take time to frame the shot. I have a few pictures from today that are close to being cool but don’t quite cut it because I felt like they were waiting for me so I rushed and just snapped a few quick pictures without thinking too much. My last photo of the day was the man sitting on the stairs, and I really like that picture because I waited for nobody else to be walking on the stairs, I then lined myself up perfectly and framed him exactly how I wanted to. This is a reminder to me to take my time to maximize the shot that I see, that a few tiny tweaks are the difference between an average picture and one that makes you do a double take.

P.S. As I am sitting here wrapping up I am realizing that this is going to be like a full time job for the next 30 days. My entire day was around photographing the city, and the last four hours I have been sitting here editing pictures, writing this blog, writing and preparing stuff for instagram, and mapping out how it is going to look with pictures on my website. In other words, this is going to be a challenge for me purely in terms of time committed towards it. I don’t say this to get a pat on the back or anything like that. At the end of the day I am doing this for me, to see if I can find the self discipline to commit to an idea and see it through, to challenge myself in two of the things I love most, photography and writing.