The Surrender Project: Day 16: Tapping Into The Buzz
Does anybody know if being sober makes your dreams insane? I am now 17 into my sobriety, well short term sobriety because I will drink again, I just do not know when yet. Might be in 13 days, might be in two months. But, every single morning I wake up from the most vivid and long dreams I have maybe ever had. Maybe there is some sorta nighttime energy in India that is causing this, maybe it is a handful of things mixed together. But wow. Like vivid, full detail, where I remember everything. And it is happening every night, and honestly they seem to be getting stronger as well. My theory is that it is either the no alcohol, or it is the fact that I am going to bed at 12:00-1:00 am and sleeping in until whenever I naturally wake up. However, this is what I have been doing my entire time traveling and while yes, I normally dream, they aren’t this crisp. It makes it a little bit challenging to wake up in the mornings as all I want to do is close my eyes and go back into the dream state. Then I fully wake up and I realize I am actively living out a dream that I have had for many years. It’s a win-win.
The day started similarly to other days, however when I woke up I grabbed my phone and started scrolling freaking Instagram! Again! It wasn’t automatic or immediate, but I responded to a dm or two and then next thing I know I am on some random persons page. In my ever-so-little defense it was quality content. I am trying to pay attention to what I consume, and this was a guys page who has a podcast about mental health, especially in men opening up and sharing their emotions. But then it leads down a rabbit hole and into random memes or something. I also realize that if I start scrolling when I wake up, I seek it out more later in the day as well. I was curious as to why that happens, so I did a little research on it. When you start scrolling in the morning you get a nice and beautiful dopamine release. This dopamine release isn’t so nice and beautiful though, because it leaves us wanting more. So, what do we do? We go back to the source that gave us that dopamine bump in the first place, we start scrolling again because it feels good. And it does, the curation of our reels or the content that we ingest is purposefully there to draw us in. It is scary how good it is, and how often I find content that makes me laugh or intrigues me. I saw a quote I liked (ironically on instagram) that said, “Social media is dead. There is nothing social about this. This is consumption.” And it is true. As I scroll through my followers I do not see pictures that my friends are posting or updates on their lives, I see random pages or ads that I somehow follow. I see sports highlights or beautifully edited videos, I rarely see my friends posts. Social media is dead. Yet, it is more addicting than ever. And today I found myself mindlessly scrolling a few times. Literally to the point that I would catch myself and not even realize I was doing it. Like why am I sitting on my bed scrolling reels right now?! I came back to my room 20 minutes ago for something yet I just walked in and took out my phone? It is wild how mindless it can be and how attached we are to it without even realizing. Anyway, tomorrow I am not going to touch social media (except to post the blog update) and see how I feel. I think I will get a pretty good idea of the difference in my energy because I am so hyperaware of myself right now. Check back tomorrow for a rundown on this.
After a bit of a slow start I did go get some breakfast at the same place as yesterday. It is interesting how I tend to do this without even thinking about it. I just know I am hungry and I want to go get some food, so I just walk down the street and around the corner to my new breakfast spot. The thought of going elsewhere doesn’t cross my mind. The food was delicious, it is less than $3, which is honestly a little spendy here, and now I get to strengthen a bond with the guys who work there, to make a little connection. I even order the same thing for breakfast. I am stuffed after this meal as I did ask for an additional butter roti. See yesterdays blog if you want more detail on the addicting qualities of a freshly made and heavily butter roti. After my chai I head back, once again having to write the entirety of my blog from the day before. In reality I didn’t go back and immediately start cranking out the writing. I actually watched a few Ted talks and then my brother called me. We talked for over an hour, just catching up on some of the things in our lives, as well as talking about social media. He told me isn’t using social media right now, that he glances at it once a day just to see my post, and then gets off of it right away. I asked him if he is noticing a difference by not using it and wasting time. He tells me the same thing I have realized in past instances of no social media use, that he could totally live without it and wouldn’t really miss out on anything. I think there are benefits to it, that it allows us to stay in contact with people we otherwise wouldn’t. Such as old friends from college, or random people I have met traveling. We talked a bit about this, but overall it was just nice to talk and catch up. At this point it was about 2:45 pm and I knew it was time to start writing. I do not ever want to feel stressed about this or feel a need to write in order to get the blog out on time. I want this project to continue being something that I choose to do for myself, not something I feel obligated to do and just write because I have to. So far we haven’t had those feelings which is a positive in my book. As I am writing my blog I can feel this energy sort of growing inside of me. I am unsure exactly how to label it, but it was evident in the end of my recap yesterday, when I was writing about the potential for life and how anything is possible. I was buzzing with this feeling when I was writing yesterday, this overarching kinetic energy about the potential for the future. There seems to be some incredibly powerful energy in this place, and I am excited to explore it more as it arises over the following days as well. It was just this powerful feeling of being completely in control, yet completely at mercy to whatever life was going to show me. Completely out of control. It is a bit contradictory, eh? But it felt like it was a tease, like life has a huge gift for me in this life, but it wasn’t going to show me what it was, just a taste of the feeling of it. It stirred up something inside of me, I wanted to yell and fist bump the air and release this energy in me. A cry of joy or an, “ahhhh!!” Or a classic “lets GO!” Who or what I am cheering on or yelling for I am unsure. But I wanted to dance, to express, and to explode with this energy. I am still unsure of where it came from, but it also carries a whisper alongside it, a whisper reminding me that I am here in this moment only for right now, and to not get too far ahead of myself in the dreaming department. To continue to write this project out, to continue staying open to whatever is going to present itself, and mostly just staying present in this moment. I am unsure if I am explaining this in a powerful enough way that conveys the energy of emotion I was feeling. Part of me is a little bit afraid to if I am being honest. Maybe because when we talk about being vulnerable it seems to imply sharing things that are sad. That time where I bawled my eyes out or the struggles in this life. But maybe it is sometimes harder to share the other side of things. The time I was writing a day 15 blog and I could feel my body vibrating in a way that I didn’t understand. An immense buildup of energy was coursing through me to the point I had to walk up to my room punch a pillow to release some of it. Where I then sat and manifested where I want to go. Where my mind is going a million miles a minute with this incredible charge inside of me. It is a high from an unknown source. A feeling of potential and the unknown. Of desire to go for it. It feels like an odd thing to share because this is an emotion that I have no explanation of the origin. Maybe it is the breaking of a barrier, of the realization that there is more out there and I am just tapping into the surface of it. Maybe that is why I find myself in Jaipur in the first place. Nothing to do with the actual physical things I can see and experience, but about the non-physical, the energy that I will tap into here. The growth that it will lead to, mentally or spiritually. Maybe Jaipur has that certain frequency of energy that I needed to tap into, or just had to have a few certain things play out to allow me to have a certain thought, a certain realization that is going to be the groundwork for something so much larger than a thirty day self exploration journal. Who knows. Maybe it was only supposed to be a special buzz of electricity I got to tap into one time. I do not think I am supposed to know, that’s the beauty of this whole surrender thing. To trust at the deepest level, to trust without explanation or reasoning. To just keep going forward. Anyway, what a fucking feeling. Excited to be open to it in the coming days, to see if it is supposed to go anywhere or if its just a bit of a dreamer energy flowing through me.
After cooling down a bit from this stint of energy I decided to grab the camera and go on a walk. At this point it was already dark and I still hadn’t explored my area too much. I venture left, and start walking until I come across what feels like quadrant streets. Basically a part of the city where each block is the same length, and each block is a square. The streets are narrow, enough for one car and a few parked mopeds on the side, yet no cars come down these streets, only mopeds or motorcycles. I come across a shop with lots of white marble inside and a man working with power tools to carve a Hindu Goddess. Woah, this is impressive work. I take a few pictures but mostly just sit and watch him work for a bit. Another block later I realize that this must be the white marble area, because every shop has people carving or selling white marble sculptures. This is probably the thing that would be on a travel blog or a website as something to do in Jaipur. I, however, do not read about anything I am supposed to do, but am happy to have stumbled across this specific area. The last few days I have been focused on taking photos with unique or different lighting than I normally care to look for. This has lead to the concert shoot, Vincent at sunset, and a sunset with colors in Jaipur. This was my intention as I was strolling these narrow streets which reminded me so much of certain parts of Mexico. Well I hear a loud buzzsaw from a distance and keep walking, eventually looking left down a dark alleyway where a man is using a chainsaw to cut up a massive piece of marble beautifully lit with the only light in the alley. These are the moments I love, because they seem to convey the feeling of the moment into a photograph. That is, if I can capture the moment the right way. There is marble dust blowing all around this guy and he is covered, his skin is white at this point. I slowly walk down the alley, taking shots from different angles and racking my brain to figure out how I want to portray this scene. It is dark, really dark, so it is a bit of a challenge to decide how much light I want to let in the foreground of if I want the only light to be on the subject. There is so much you can do with a photo. Changing shutter speed or ISO to allow more or less light into the picture, to create a sharp picture or some motion blue, or where you want the focus to be. All of these things change the story that you are trying to portray through one picture. I snap a few shots and then he sees me and calls to his acquaintances who come say hi to me. I tell them I am just taking a few shots if that’s okay, and it is. But the moment is lost, as he stops working and the dust starts to settle. It doesn’t feel as messy or as raw as the original shot did. That is okay, I still snapped a few that could be something. Overall the situation gave me a buzz. I love coming across something like this that can end up looking like the lighting is artificial. It was beautifully lit. As any professional photographer will tell you, it is all in the lighting. And it is something I want to work on more, capturing a cool image but in magnificent lighting to add a depth of emotion to the shot. This is fun. This part of the city is so homey feeling, and nobody seems to notice me. Nobody is running up to me to say hi, they might just glance my way and give a head nod, but nothing more. It feels peaceful in these back streets as well. I think I found the trick for people to stop me less if I am feeling a bit unsocial. First, do not hold eye contact for more than half a second, by holding eye contact it seems to invite them to come up and talk to me. Second, walk with a purpose. If I am walking quickly I think people are less likely to stop me. Third, if they do stop me have a quick conversation and as soon as it lulls say “I would talk but I am in a hurry!” And keep walking. A quick clarification, I am not always trying to avoid strangers on the street, or seem like a dick and not interact with locals. There are times when I want to just go for a walk or explore on my own without stopping every block to get into conversations. Most of the time I greatly appreciate the openness and excitement in the locals to get into conversation with me, and it has taught me a lot. It has allowed me to feel so connected into everything here and not feel like such an outsider. The friendly recommendations or random street conversations have brought me my favorite memories of traveling in India so far, and I hope they continue.
As I continued to stroll on they did continue, and I ended up taking a handful of pictures of strangers. I will be able to make an entire album by the end of this with just a guy or a group of guys posing for a picture. I have so many already! I ended up walking for a couple hours before deciding I was hungry. And guess where my legs carried me? Yup, back to the same spot I ate at last night. I honestly need to stop doing this! I want to explore different places and see what type of foods I can come across, but I keep going back to the same place. In my defense, I hadn’t had much protein during the day and this spot sells chicken kebab rolls. It is basically a freshly made wrap, like a tortilla but different, with smoked chicken packed into it, and a spicy sauce on the side. As you probably expect, they are scrumptious. It helps I can get two large rolls for less than $3. Oh, and of course you get a handful of raw onions to eat along with it. Which I am beginning to rather enjoy, the crunch and intense, sharp bite. I decide to bring the meal back to my hostel, and eat it alongside an episode of “Curb Your Enthusiasm” and some alone time. I like how I say alone time when I have been completely alone the last few days, thank god I was able to run back to my room and reset with some alone time! If I told myself four years ago I would be spending this much time alone, I wouldn’t have believed it. Or I would have thought that it sounded horrible. Yet I find myself enjoying it. There are definitely times where I miss the company and definitely times I crave community and the ability to hang out with my friends and family. But knowing that this alone time will not last forever allows me to relish in it. Plus it doesn’t feel like I am that alone, with the blog to share all my thoughts and the ability to connect with friends and family back home. Not to mention all the little conversations on the street, or the not so little ones that end up in a half an hour discussion. Speaking of, I should probably wrap this up because I told the man I met a few days ago that I would hangout with him today. He wants to show me his metal and precious stones factory where they make jewelry. This should be fun. Thanks for tuning in. It will be exciting to see how this energy continues to expand in Jaipur. As well as what happens when I stop scrolling social media. Check back in for results tomorrow.
