The Surrender Project: Day 15: The Halfway Point

After writing this blog I will officially be halfway through with the project. I think I want to reflect on that a bit in the conclusion of this post, but I wanted to bring light to it to start it off as well. There is some interesting symbolism behind what this blog is going to be about, because day 15 was pretty far from crazy. It honestly might be the least eventful day I have had over the last two weeks, yet there seems to be satisfaction and contentment in a mundane day as my 15th. No, I wasn’t gifted a Royal Enfield to road trip across India (yet). But, I found peace in where I am so far in this project and what is to come still. And realizing that this project is far from halfway over, as in by starting this I already know it is going to lead to other things within the same space. But as I just said, lets dig into this a bit more at the end, because even though not much happened there are still some points I want to discuss about the actual day 15.

My sleep schedule is getting more wack the further into this project we go. I find myself not going to sleep until 1:00 am most nights, and then waking up around 10:00 or later. Part of me is okay with it, as I am getting a lot of sleep and I feel rested. But the larger part of me wants to start my days earlier, to not stay up so late because it is making the days go by so fast, especially when I am a day behind on the blogs and have to spend the middle of the day writing. Today was no different, I went to bed late, woke up late, and slowly got my day started. I am trying to not go on social media in the morning, as I find that however I start my day is typically how it will go. If I start with a meditation and some intentional thinking, it is easier for me to stay off social media and be present throughout the day. Today was not off to a good start, as I unconsciously grabbed my phone when I woke up. Luckily, the first thing I saw was an instagram reel from a guy I follow who posts about books he has read. He does so in a creative way, where he pretends to have a conversation with somebody who is just himself, and explains a few takeaways. Anyway, I clicked on his page, getbetterwithbooks, and went through a few of his recent book recommendations. On one of his most recent somebody commented, “you gotta read ‘Man’s Search For Meaning’” and he had responded saying he has read it multiple times. I love the title, as it feels pretty aligned with my own life right now, searching for my meaning while actively trying not to. A bit contradictory but at this point of reading the blog I hope you understand. Anyway, I make note of the title, swipe over into my notes app where I have a “reading list” that is adding names a helluva lot faster than I am checking them off, and add it to the list. After I add it to the list I see that I have already added it, about five or six books ago. I take this as a sign and google the title, trying to find a pdf for it online. The first link is a pdf so I open it up and start reading. Well, before this I googled it, as it is quite a famous name and I have heard it a few times before, and saw it pop on multiple “must read” books. As some of you already know, this book is a classic, and for good reason. The author is Viktor Frankl, a man who survived the holocaust and living in Auschwitz for a long time. The first half of the book is mostly focused on some of his experiences, except he focuses less on the horrors of everyday life, but more so how those horrors impact people mentally. Of course, some of the absolutely mind-blowing things that took place there are mentioned, and I caught myself saying “oh. my. god.” out loud multiple times. It straight up does not make sense that people survived this, like physically or mentally it defies what I thought I knew about what we need to survive. The amount of food they got per day isn’t enough for a baby, let alone a grown man working the entire day in the freezing cold without shoes on. I cannot fathom it. Anyway, Viktor Frankl was an Austrian psychiatrist who was writing his dissertation on a new form of psychotherapy called, “logotherapy.” However, when he went to Auschwitz they took away his life’s work and burned it. Throughout his time in Auschwitz he would find scraps of paper here and there and take notes on it of ideas and key words he remembers from his studies, hoping to get out alive so he can restart his dissertation on logotherapy. Without going into the entire book—which I highly recommend even halfway through—logotherapy is the school of psychotherapy which states that the search for life’s meaning is the central motivational force in humans. His theory was proven to him throughout his time in the concentration camps because as soon as a prisoner lost faith in the future, or felt that they had no reason to live, they would end up dying quite soon. He goes on to share some crazy instances where it happened. Or times he would give a speech to his comrades about needing to hold on to the desire to live. Quick side note: I am sitting here reading over the quotes that I saved from reading yesterday and I want to share them all, I think they all have immense power and truth in them. So for the second time I am recommending this book. It isn’t long either. Out of all the quotes, I am going to pick this one to at least start with, because it feels applicable. “It did not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us. We needed to stop asking about the meaning of life, and instead to think of ourselves as those who were being questioned by life… Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answer to its problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual.” (Man’s Search for Meaning, Frankl). (Did I cite that correctly? Probably not). I love this point of view, that we aren’t the ones trying to find our purpose, but finding answers to life’s questions and what it needs from us. He goes on to talk about how every single person’s “meaning of life” is different and unique, that the answer lies in the action of going through life. Of making choices, or of answering life’s questions. Everything we are doing is answering these questions, is taking us on our path of purpose and fulfillment. He oftentimes talks about his desire to share his dissertation with the world, of keeping him going. But it was his wife that he says kept him alive, the thought of her, his love for her. There are points where he tells his comrades what he wants them to tell his wife if he is to die. It is intense and real, that the love he has for her is deeper than anything and more real than anything else in his life. It is the love he has for her that keeps him alive time and time again, because he has a reason and a purpose to be alive. Her. He keeps fighting through these conditions of barely living because he has a reason to live, a life purpose. He is actively putting his theory in logotherapy to the deepest test an individual could probably ever go through. That we keep pushing in life because we want to find that meaning, but what if the answer doesn’t lie in figuring it out, but seeking it out? That we keep doing things that push us, challenge us, or help us grow because we are seeking out this deeper meaning? When the whole point is all the answers to life’s questions we are learning by going through the processes in the first place. It is an adage as old as time: it isn’t the destination, but the journey that matters. It took me a lot of words to get to this core point of it, that it is the destination, the act of taking the risks and seeking the out the unknown where we become a truer version of ourselves. For me right now, it is the act of sitting down and reflecting every day, of writing 4,000+ words every day about those thoughts and feelings. It isn’t that at the end of thirty days I am going to have some final answer after I write my last blog. No award slip with a secret to life on the back of it. It is a cumulation of all the little things I am learning day to day. The awareness, the balance and equilibrium, the power of mediation, expectations, feelings, growth, and all the other buzz words I use as my lessons every day. Or the fact that I am learning how to be a better writer, even if my vocabulary still sucks. It is always about the process. I just really like how Frankl chooses to word that in a way where it makes me feel like I am an explorer, an adventurer sent out by life to explore and find some answers. Some of which may be universally true, others that just ring true to me and my unique path on my unique adventure. Just as you may find answers for life’s questions that are unique to you and your unique adventure. The purpose and drive I feel when I think about it the way Frankl describes it is enticing. Like there are no right answers that I have to find, but more so questions without answers that I need to discover. At least that is the way I perceive that part of the quote, the “instead to think of ourselves as those who were being questioned by life.” It is fun to think of “life” as this incredibly curious being that loves each and every one of us and is so excited to see what we get to discover on our own by seeking our meaning and purpose. By taking the action steps to explore and learn whatever it is that we are going to. To me, it boils down to staying curious. There is so much you are going to learn, so stay curious and go into everything open and with the desire to learn and grow through it. Stay curious.

Well, surprise surprise I went off and wrote half a blog about a book I just started. I guess stay tuned for the second half? Anyway, back to what I was originally going to say, was that I decided to start my day by reading for a bit, a book that is quite compelling and carries a powerful message that earns it a top spot in “must read” lists still today. One does need food at some point so I ventured out to find some, and stopped at the first spot where somebody waved me down. I was originally just going to get a tea and move on, but I glanced at the menu and saw a plate that had three different types of curries, rice, and two buttered rotis for only 200 rupees. $2.40 seems within the budget for a massive meal. It was phenomenal. There is a depth of flavor in these curries that I genuinely do not know how to describe. There is an immense level of flavor that when mixed with a heavily buttered freshly baked roti it just smacks me so hard. The rotis are fresh dough that they roll out into a circle and then throw into this wood fired oven thing where the opening is in the top. It is in this oven thing for a minute or two and then they take it out and just smother it with butter. I wouldn’t consider myself a huge bread person, but a nice piece of buttered bread just hits, I think we can all agree on that. Well, these fresh rotis are tantalizingly addicting. They are hot and chewy but have a bit of a fire roasted crunch that adds a bit of texture to the culinary experience that it is to devour one of these. It also is insane that they cost $0.14 per roti. Anyway, before I drool too much over my keyboard, I will tell you what else comes with the meal. Whenever you order these types of foods, maybe curries or any northern Indian dish, they bring you a plate of sliced rounds of red onion and a lime. What you do is after every bite of the butter roti smothered in some curry with chickpeas, you take a chomp out of a salted and limed red onion. I have never eaten so much raw onion before, but it also adds a really needed fresh crunch to the meal. Overall, the food here has been delectable. After enjoying my breakfast I head back to the hostel to do some writing, and sit down and write my entire day 14 blog. I actually kind of cruised through this one, and finish it in around two and a half hours. After that? Well, I read. As I mentioned in the first paragraph of this blog, today might be my least eventful day yet, and mostly I chilled out and read. When I started writing this blog I genuinely wasn’t sure what I was going to write about. I told myself to just start and I am sure something will come out. Well, next thing I know I am quoting the book I am one day into reading, so I guess no more worrying about writing, I just need to actively write! This can be a lesson around surrender can’t it? In fact this is exactly the type of surrender that Michael Singer writes about, the man who inspired this project in the first place. At one point in his journey he is asked/told to teach a class at a community college, when they ask what he wants to teach he says something where I can talk about the idea of surrendering and the powers at play in it all. They tell him he can teach an entry psychology or sociology class. He tells himself he is not going to plan a lesson, and for the first day he shows up with no plan about what he is going to say, that since life guided him to be in that position in the first place it was also going to flow through him into his teaching. What happened was he delivered an incredible lecture that jumpstarted his teaching career and grew his class size well beyond capacity in the following weeks. He never actually planned his lessons, he just showed up and allowed life to flow through him. That’s either the dumbest idea I have ever heard, or it is pretty badass and immensely powerful. I am going to go with the latter, because “powerful” and “badass” is way cooler than “dumbest.” Sound logic. Checks out.

Alright let’s channel our inner Michael Singer and his ability to allow life to flow through him for his lessons into my little reflection of the first half of this project. This is not at all where I had expected to be at this point in my project. Part of me had massive dreams for where I was going to go with it. I also did my best to curb any and all expectations because I wanted to be completely open to whatever life was bringing me. However, as previously mentioned I am a bit of a dreamer, and those thoughts of grand happenings love to fly across my mind. Sitting in a hostel lobby writing my blog about my day that I spent reading a book and eating food doesn’t exactly fall into those grand ideas I had. But it is exactly where I am supposed to be. This reflection isn’t going to be on the obvious life miracles that have fallen into place, but the little lessons I have learned. There are little lessons each day throughout this process, things I have already mentioned in todays post. Things like presence, balance, feelings the feels, emotions, expectations, and all these important thoughts around what life really is. But my takeaway right now is that I am actually doing something. Something that I have wanted and felt compelled to do, I am actively doing. When I started this I kinda knew that no matter what I was going to fulfill 30 days of writing. It started with the intent to write and surrender to life, as well as take pictures. Throughout the process I have really enjoyed some picture days, but the photography has felt like a sidepiece to the main project, which is this self exploration/surrender into writing. I do not want to take anything away from what photography means to me, just that writing feels like the core of this project, and it is what I think about throughout the days. Writing is the thing taking up hours of my day, yet it is also the task that I never dread. Yeah, there have been moments where I am a bit nervous or unsure about the idea of sitting down and writing for three/four/five hours. Yet, whenever I start it just flows and I am never looking at the clock or just waiting to be done. It forces presence. Another thing that draws me in because it forces presence. It also allows me to fall into this flow state that can be hard to access at times, something that is addicting and fills me with a buzz of energy. I have known that I love to write for a few years now, but even at times find myself not writing for months on end. Part of it was the act of being unsure if people would want to read my random thoughts or if my writing was good enough. I am not going to lie, the few of you who have reached out with reflections to my blogs have been a huge encouragement to keep going, even if it just makes one or two people reflect a bit on their day. A shoutout to my mom, who sits down every morning with her coffee and reads my blogs, and then reflects on the lesson and shares about how she took that lesson into her life, how it impacted the direction of her day or how she handled something. Are you freaking kidding me?! It makes me emotional to sit back and actually realize that my writing is impacting my mother. The person who has given me so much over and over again in this life, that I get to give her a little gift in return. It also blows my mind that these little thoughts or ideas are resonating with some of you, to the point you share your thoughts or how it changed your mindset on something during the day. That is such a gift for me. It is so special for me, in a way that is hard to bring the magnitude of the feeling into words. Having an impact on somebody is an immensely powerful and energizing feeling. Even if the impact is a short reflection or something that creates a train of thought. It doesn’t have to be major, but I love it.

I am also learning how easy it feels for me to share now. Before, like on instagram or previous old blogs I shared, I would get nervous about posting something because I was openly sharing a reflection of myself. Putting it out into the world where it would sit forever. It is truly a freeing thing, to be vulnerable and just throw it out there. At this point I do not even really think about it. I have had many conversations in my life where I preach the power of vulnerability, that being open and sharing with people creates a space for a deeper and more meaningful connection. I still stand behind this 100%, and I feel it in the day-to-day when I choose to be more open to people or bring up things that might carry a stigma with it. This United States is in a loneliness epidemic, where it is estimated that over 50% of people are lonely. We are becoming less connected than ever before. I think we need a space for people to be open and share. And I also know that the best way to be able to take care of others is to take care of yourself first. What I mean by that is the hope that if I start the conversation around vulnerability and practice what I preach, others will join in. During some of my alone time over the last two weeks I have realized community is what I miss most, the fact that I have people around me to do things with. Who makes up my community? The people I feel most comfortable being my most authentic self around. And my most authentic self is a person who loves to share and get real, to get deep and dive into the feelings and energies of life. A vulnerable person. Ask my brothers, they know everything about me. Honestly, including some stuff they probably don’t want to either. That’s not the point. Anyway, this writing has allowed me to be vulnerable in a new way and I am grateful for that.

The last thought I have is tied into what I said about finally doing something I have been compelled to do. I am finally actually sitting down each day and writing. Right now, through 15 days I have written 62,677 words, 80 single-spaced pages. That’s the amount of words in a 200 page book. I have written a book length of words in two weeks! I have always had a dream to write a book. I am not saying I am going to publish this writing, or that I am at a point where I would/could write a book. It is just the fact that I am realizing it is very possible to do. I used to be unable to grasp how somebody could write enough to put into a book, it was so many words! And here we are, 15 days later and I have written that amount. This is purely just showing me that it is possible to do something I didn’t quite grasp was. It is also inspiring me to think about what is next? What other things did I feel were slightly out of reach are actually very doable? Obviously writing a book would be different than spewing random thoughts onto paper for a couple weeks, but that’s not the point. Part of this project was the act of just starting, of seeing where life would guide me without me knowing or planning. Maybe an aspect of that guiding is the teaching me what I am capable of doing. Of expanding the boundaries which I might have subconsciously been holding myself to. I am a bit fired up right now, I got a burst of inspiration before I started writing this recap, so understand I am in a bit of an “anything is possible” mindset. But, just to run with it, anything is possible. This might not seem like a crazy impressive feat, and you would be correct, writing for 15 days in a row isn’t that impressive. But, I am proud of myself for it. Which feels really weird to admit and say out loud to somebody reading this. Pride in something we have done or accomplished is a feeling we feel all the time. Even when you do well on a write up for work, you can feel proud. Yet, it feels challenging to voice our own pride in ourselves. We should be proud of ourselves more and be confident in expressing it from time to time. Anyway, we are only half way done, so I cannot get too ahead of myself here. Just feeling an extra buzz of inspiration to keep pushing, keep going after things that are calling me in and to keep surrendering to whatever it is. What a stimulating feeling of curiosity this is. Absolutely Stoked for the second half.