The Surrender Project: Day 17: Uncut Gems
I think Jaipur is bringing me into the most concrete routine I have had so far. Yet, I feel quite content here and have been feeling no desires to go anywhere else yet. There actually seems to be a certain energy here that I am really really enjoying. The temperature is almost perfect, allowing me to wear pants and a long sleeve if I like, but also able to get away with shorts and a T. Nighttime is a little chilly, having to wear a long-sleeve and maybe layers. Jaipur is comfortable in a sense, comfortable yet unknown and different. Part of me isn’t as ready to run away from this comfort like I was feeling in Mumbai. I think there is more for this city to teach me, whether it be experiences or just allowing for more alone time to dive into my mind. Whatever it is, Jaipur has a homey feeling to it that I cannot seem to explain, or put my finger on any parts of it that are making it feel cozy. The city has over six million people, it isn’t exactly a small town with peace and quiet, yet there is a feeling of peace here within the busyness.
Today was the first day of my unofficial break from social media. Not even a break, more so just not using it unless I am actively posting, or responding to peoples messages. I say social media, but this is 99% focused on Instagram as it seems to be my achilles heel in terms of focus. It is unfortunate how instinctual it is for me to reach for my phone when I wake up in the morning. I typically do not sit on it for very long, but it still is the first thing I consciously do when I wake up. Today was different, I obviously felt the urge to reach over and grab it, but I consciously am making the choice not to touch it, especially first thing when I wake up. Instead, I immediately went into a half an hour long meditation. I time myself, but do not check the time during the meditation, only when I feel like I am ready to be done I look at my watch. Every time I get this feeling within a minute or two of a half an hour. It is like my body just knows when half an hour is up because I start to feel restless. Maybe that is a sign I need to keep going, to work through the restlessness and find peace in not reacting to it. Anyway, I head out to grab some breakfast, deciding not to go to the same place as the previous two days. I end up walking for about a mile or so and do not see any restaurants, or anything that seems to be calling me in. Eventually I am walking down another random street when I realize it is the same street I eat breakfast on normally, and what do I know, I look over and the guy who serves me everyday is waving at me to come and eat from the entrance. I just laugh a bit to myself and head in, I guess if it ain’t broke don’t fix it? At least this time I ordered something different, just trying to live life on the edge a bit. I noticed that as soon as I ordered I reached into my pocket to take out of my phone but stopped myself before actually removing it. Again, just trying to be aware of all the subconscious phone use. Instead I just sit, look around me, and try and take in the present moment during this time. This has typically been how I spend the time waiting for food, just existing in the time. There is a little part of me that is trying to tell me it is wasting time to sit there and not get anything out of the moment, no book? No nothing? No. There is no need to remove myself from just being in these moments. A book isn’t a bad thing to bring with to a meal, and I have been reading parts of A Man’s Search For Meaning during meals and times I would normally instinctually take out my phone. But there also seems to be value in working on just existing, just being in whatever moment you are in, even if it means a few daydreams time to time. The point of this is to find peace in whatever moment, to not need to be laughing or reading a compelling story at all hours of the day just to be baselined. After breakfast and my chai I head back to my place and keep my routine going, blog time. I respond to an email beforehand which takes a while, but leaves me with that same energy I was feeling yesterday. Just this overwhelming dreamer energy. Literally to the point where I sit on my bed and close my eyes but my heart is racing and this buildup of energy is sitting in my chest, trying to burst out. I keep repeating this in my head, “I want to be extraordinary.” But there is nothing casual about it. My eyes are shut, I am leaning my forehead against the wall and through basically gritted teeth I am saying, “I want to be extraordinary. I want to be extraordinary!” It sounds so egotistical, and without a doubt my ego is part of this process, but it feels bigger than just my ego. Based on past events in my life I am very aware of my confidence bubbling over into arrogance. So naturally I check in on it right away and ask myself, why do I want to be extraordinary? Is it because I think it will make me better than others? No. Is it because I think I am better than others? No. What is it then, Henry? Where is this feeling coming from? I still do not have the concrete answer on this, but it is a drive to keep taking risks, keep trusting my gut, and close my eyes and take the fucking leap. It feels like an excitement bubbling over and the only way to allow it to flow is to live. Like really go after this life and make it extraordinary. This has to be connected to this idea of surrendering. The idea of letting go and continuing to trust. I do not want these travels to be a “break” from reality. I want them to be a launching point into my path, my purpose. It feels like life has been drawing me into this moment for a while, it feels like a build up from the last year of my life of taking big steps. I talk to my friend who I travelled with for months before India, and we talk about the lessons of what traveling has taught us. I hear the way he speaks about his position in life now, and I see everything he is doing and I am so freaking proud of the guy for letting this travel be a launching point for him. His launching point is different than mine, but it inspires me to keep going after my launching point. Just hearing the way he speaks now feels different. He has grown immensely and is actively leading the life he feels called to. I do not yet know exactly what direction life is calling me in, but I do feel called to keep on this path for right now, whatever this path is. It also feels like a challenge from life to keep trusting the process and keep having faith. By the way, all of this is just me thinking out loud, writing as it comes to my mind because it works as way to process things for me. Another thought, isn’t this feeling a good thing? It takes me to the idea that we can feel when we are doing the right thing or not. This is another day where I am feeling vibrant inside and full of life, isn’t that a sign that this is the path I am supposed to be on? Versus feeling exhausted and having no energy to do anything? This is what I mean by listening to the universe guide you. The attraction towards something, the feeling you get in the presence of certain people or certain places. Sometimes you feel gross, you get a feeling and everything feels off for a second, I think that is a guide to listen to your gut and say no. This feels to me like a “Fuck yes!” Because of the power of this energy. It isn’t like I am doing some crazy cool adventure and getting this high, it is merely from sitting down and writing in a hostel lobby, or walking around this city with my camera, or coming out of a meditation. Whether or not it is a “sign” I am going to trust it is, because I have no other explanation. I also think it is why I feel at peace right now, at least over the last week or so. That I am okay just living my somewhat basic lifestyle here in India for a bit. I know this might not be what you are expecting to read when you click on my blog to read about surrender and travel, so I thank you for playing along, even if you think I might be a bit crazy or something. In all honesty I think I am a bit crazy sometimes so you wouldn’t be the only one. I also hesitate to write some of this because of the fear of coming across in a way that makes it seem like my life is perfect. It obviously is not. I also never want to say something that makes somebody feel bad about themselves or the situation they are in. I think this is a major problem with social media in general, it paints this highlight reel of peoples lives that are unrealistic and not the full story. It can be scary to express feelings of glee and the highest highs we experience, especially sharing them publicly with people we do not know. I never want to come across in a way that paints my life to be something it isn’t, hence my full honesty throughout these blogs. You have to bear with me as I learn how to express the amazing parts in the same way I express the challenging or lonely ones. This feeling, this energy, is freaking amazing. The last few days have been mind-blowing with the energy that has been present in these mundane moments. And the reason I feel compelled to share it is because it feels directly linked to the surrendering. To going down a path that is presenting itself to me. It feels like life is rewarding me for taking these steps, all the steps, to get here. Even the step of quitting my job a year ago and moving. All these steps have lead me to this moment right now, and will continue to do so as I go through this thing. This is the surrender project, and there are times I realize I do not talk about the full act of surrendering or reflect on exactly what the surrendering is showing me. Part of the reason for that is because I do not know most days, I do not notice certain things or they just feel ordinary. This doesn’t feel ordinary and it does feel like a correlation to the surrendering. To wrap up this paragraph, I know there are a few of you reading this who have seen me in these states. The ones where I am incredibly high energy, eyes wide, talking too fast about the potential for what we can do in this life. The feelings of endless possibility and freedom, enough to make you want to run out and grab life by the horns and just go. I hope those who know this version of me can appreciate these words. I hope those who haven’t seen that can tap into this a bit and feel the energy in whatever this is. And not think I am too crazy for sharing these wild feelings with you all.
Coming down from that a little bit, I want to highlight some of the things I noticed from one day of waking up and not touching social media, or using it throughout the day. Outside of a few unconscious times, I had no urge to go back into social media throughout the day. Completely opposite versus when I started the day scrolling. I felt more present in the day to day, and content just being in places. Thinking deeper into it, why would any of us need to be connected to social media and constantly looking at what others are doing? No matter where you are if you look around you, you can see so much magic and beauty. It doesn’t have to be mind-blowing with pronounced, “wow!”s, but just bringing awareness is beautiful. It felt wrong to grab later in the day, like no, there is nothing on there that I need to see right now. I do realize it might be easier to not use social media when you are in a foreign country. Actually, let me go back on that thought for a minute. Traveling solo might be harder to not use it, especially when I wake up and feel a bit lonely. Not lonely like I am sad, just aware that I am in a country where I do not really know anybody. I sometimes feel really far away from all my loved ones, so it makes it tempting to grab my phone and see what is happening in my home country and what people are up to. But does that really help me? No, it is better to call somebody and actually connect. (Side note: I am absolutely jamming to Jorja Smith’s song, “Let Me Down” with Stormzy. If you do not know it throw it on right now and get into it). Anyway, we’re going to keep being aware of social media use and keep it low, and no matter what do not touch it in the morning first thing!
Where was I? Somewhere knowing that I needed to start writing soon. So, still riding this high that seems to be following me around I go out to the outdoor hostel seating area and sit down in the sun. There is no chance I am going to be able to write right now, so I just bring the chair back a bit, close my eyes, and let the sun warm up my core. What a feeling it is to sit in the sun when it is 70 degrees outside. The warmth just soaks into you, but isn’t too hot. Feeling so at peace to just be in this moment with the sun and this energy. But I know I have plans this evening so do not enjoy it for too long before I get to writing. After writing I immediately grab my stuff and head out, it is time to meet Islam, my friend who I talked to on the street a few days ago. He originally just wanted to hangout, so we decide to meet at this spot that is 1.8 miles away from my spot. I start walking because Uber is not working for me again. I only have 30 rupees cash in my pocket so I tell myself that is all I am going to spend. Tuk tuks keep coming up to me and asking where I am going, they start at 150 and get down to 50, but nobody will do it for 30 rupees. At this point I am convinced hitchhiking is my only hope, as I have already walked half a mile. My plan is to make eye contact with somebody on the side of the road that is either sitting on their motorbike or seems to have one. About two minutes later a guy sitting on his bike asks where I am from. Bingo. I stop and answer, then ask his name. He asks where I am headed and I share my destination. He waves over his friend who is a tuk tuk driver and says he can take you. This is not how I had anticipated this to play out in my head… I tell the guy sorry but I only have 30 rupees that I am willing to pay for the ride, and he walks away after shaking his head, signaling that he cannot do it for that cheap. I tell him I understand and turn to walk away, getting a few steps away before the guy from the bike calls out to me. He just points to the back of his bike and starts it up. Perfect! I hop on and we drive out into the non-stop honking of the traffic. He takes me most of the way, and drops me off at a corner before the busiest street, telling me it will be faster if I walk. Well, he didn’t exactly say that, but I deduced as much based on his hand signals and pointing. I shake his hand with a massive smile on my face and tell him I will never forget him. I am still riding this energy from before, feeling confident and so happy to be strolling the streets or hopping on the back of strangers’ motorbikes. The thing about walking down streets here is that they do not really use sidewalks, or they just don’t have a sidewalk. So, I am walking basically on the side of the road/on the road as cars are going by inches from me. Literally inches too, I am not exaggerating. Yet, nobody hits anybody else. It is a nonstop congestion of cars, mopeds, motorcycles, and tuk tuks, yet it somehow it works. The two wheelers are swerving in and out, never looking behind them and at times an inch from collision, yet I do not see it happen. At this point in my India travels I do not realize that scooters and cars are so close to me, I just know they won’t actually hit me even if it looks like they are going to. I eventually get to the meeting spot but Islam isn’t there yet, so I just lean against a wall and watch the crowds. A stray dog sees me watching her and she wags her tail excitedly and comes and sits at my feet. She stays there, right next to me for a few minutes when an older gentleman walks by. He pauses, turns his turban covered head towards me, says “dogs are smarter than we realize”, nods with a smile, and walks away. It felt a little bit surreal. I took it as a message that this dog could tell I was in a good energy spot and wanted to come hang out with me. Then this man must have also picked up on something because that was such a strange interaction. One of those where you recall the memory immediately to ensure that it actually just happened the way it did. Might be one of my favorite compliments I have ever received. Even if it was in an end-around way. Maybe it wasn’t a compliment, but the mans demeanor and the way the whole thing went down made it feel like it was completely directed at me. This dude for sure had some powerful energy. Anyway, Islam shows up and asks if I want some chai so we hop on a moped and go get some. By hop on, I mean his friend is driving, he gets behind his friend, and then tells me to get on the back, or the 5 inches remaining. We are quite literally T to B. How we do not get into five accidents I have no idea, but the swerving and maneuverability of this old scooter with three grown men on it is quite impressive. We get to the tea spot and I mention to Islam that I might want a necklace from him, as he works for a company that makes jewelry. He then says that he never does this, but starts to show me gemstones that he has on him. He has emeralds, sapphires, rubies, aquamarines, and others. Here we are, three of us sorta tucked into the corner of this tea shop doing gemstone business. This scene could literally be straight out of a movie. The walls are absolutely filthy, the friend is smoking a cigarette, and Islam and I are huddled together, hands full of precious gemstones with our Chai’s steaming on the table next to us. I am only realizing the coolness of this moment as I write this right now. Like, it was fucking cool. Especially because we had to be a little secretive with the whole thing. I do not think it is anybody’s best interest to be showing off hundreds and hundreds of dollars of gemstones. We are deciding which one I would want to purchase. I tell him I have to think about it first. He says no worries, let’s go to my home, so we all three hop back on the scooter and ride over what I can confidently say are the worst roads I have ever been on in my life. That is saying something too, as I feel like I have experienced my fair share of absolutely horrendous roads. The concrete is just missing, so we are driving over pipes, off of a foot drop off, over man covers that have a six inch lip on the side, random holes, and more pipes sticking out here and there. And to make it all the more crazy is that when the roads are this bad traffic follows no rules, so we have mopeds going left and right of us, or straight at us as we slam on the brakes and somehow swerve around somebody, with all three of us putting our left foot down to stabilize the scooter on the loose concrete. What a ride man. Eventually get to his house, where he brings his two kids outside to say hi. They are 3 and 4. He is 32. We hangout for about 30 minutes or so before heading to a shop to finalize my gemstone. I end up deciding to buy one from him, even if it is expensive. There is also a chance the gemstone is fake. But the way I am looking at it is if it is real, then I have a deal I would never get in the States. If it is fake, I am helping out a man who grinds for a living who lives in a tiny home with his two kids, wife, parents, and who knows who else. This same man who has been incredibly kind to me, and the same one who I am planning on going to a mutton BBQ with the next day because he invited me to join his friends for a Sunday BBQ. These are experiences and memories I will forever remember and probably the stories I will tell for years to come. This is what this stone will represent to me. Also, it is a really cool souvenir to get in a place that feels a bit transcendental to me. I also trust this man, my gut feels good when we talk about the deal and the price. He seems honest and like he wants to do it for me as a gift, not as a business transaction. And in the grand scheme of things, it really is quite cheap, and the money doesn’t impact me at all.
After we design the piece and talk out the deal he drops me off at my place. Where I grab some more food and wrap up a few things before bed. What a fantastic day this was. It wasn’t anything too wild either. I am learning that sometimes the best moments are in the little things. The writing of my blog and tapping into this energy, the riding on a moped with three grown men down “streets”, or going into some dark back alley store to design a piece of jewelry that will be one of my only souvenirs from this trip. It is hard not to sit in gratitude whenever I finish wrapping up some of these blogs. I saw a quote the other day that I screenshotted years ago, “when you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive - to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love.” It makes me feel even more grateful. That in the first layer I can breathe, think, enjoy, love, and be aware of it all, and in the second, to be able to enjoy life in the random experiences that it is bringing me everyday, especially today. What a gift this all is. Find some joy in what you get to experience today. Whatever it is, find some gratitude in the ability to breathe, move, experience, and just live. Thank you yet again for making it this far, it means everything.
