The Surrender Project: Day 10: Cricket Dreams

I told myself at day seven I cannot believe I am almost to day 10, and now that I am here it felt like day seven was yesterday. A third of the way through this thing and literally two seconds ago as I wrote “a third of the way” I realized I need to seek more discomfort. The balance between seeking more discomfort and finally settling in after a few days in Mumbai and not wanting to leave the comfort I just found. Because who really wants to leave that comfort? Part of me knows I can because it is temporary, and that a few more weeks or months of discomfort and I can go home. But there is also a beauty of finding the comfort traveling, even when it has been comfortable most of the time. I remind myself now is the time to get uncomfortable, that there are not as many opportunities in the day to day life back home to get in situations that scare me or push me places mentally I have never been. It’s that feeling of when you know you need to do something but you do not really want to. Like waking up on a Monday to an alarm telling you it is time to go to work, when your whole body is yelling at you that it just wants to sleep. This is a realization I just had, right now, at 9:15 at night. There is not too much I can do about it this evening, but maybe instead of walking down to the front desk after being woken up at 10:20 am by hostel staff and asking for an extension tomorrow, like I did today, I will pack up and see where life takes me. As I write this I realize just because I want to be uncomfortable doesn’t mean I cannot have a place to stay at night. So, without making any rash decisions at this time, I do not want to decide if I will extend or not tomorrow. And with that said, let’s get into the day.

As I mentioned, I slept in again. Maybe it is because my bedtime keeps getting pushed further and further back from staying up and writing, and then having to shower and end the day. At the same time I am not used to sleeping for 9+ hours every night? Eh, I feel rested everyday and never tired during the day so I am not going to change too much. I want to get back into starting my day with a meditation and that is exactly what I did, doing about thirty minutes of vipassana again, which is quite similar to what I have been doing before, but a bit more body scanning which I find really nice. I say that is exactly what I did, but it was after I walked downstairs to extend a day. After meditation and a freshen up I head out for a search for breakfast, after getting tea from my tea guy of course. I eat standing up at one of the counters that sits right on the street. At least this is the best way I can describe it. Imagine a cafeteria with food behind a window, and then the stainless steel part where you can rest your tray. This is basically the wall of the “restaurant” because there are no doors or seats. You walk up and order one of the few fast meals, today to was two fried lentil type cakes on two buns with some spicy sauce. It is called Vada Pav if you want to look it up. But you stand at the corner or out of the way of the next guy ordering over your shoulder. Honestly it is incredibly efficient and also pretty community based. It does make you eat quite quickly though. I pay my 40 rupees for the two sandwiches ($0.47) and head back to the hostel, where I grab my camera and head right back out the door. The beauty of this hostel is that the entry is in the middle of a tight alleyway. The alleyway also happens to be an everyday market with stands selling fruits, vegetables, pastas/lentils/dried goods, a man who sews clothes with a pedal push sewing machine, and a few who sell “fresh” fish. As you walk out of the alleyway and take a left it is a long street with mostly fruit and vegetable stands down the whole street. Today I decided to take some pictures of my neighborhood market. The cool thing is that there are certain carts or “stands” that sell only one thing. So, you will have the grape guy, or the tomato guy, lots of banana guys, the garlic stand, and so on. Where one person will be operating a wooden cart that has mounds of garlic on it. It is quite cool to see and walk around. I realized today that maybe the reason I had been getting so much attention in Hyderabad is because of my camera. The last few days I haven’t been walking around with it too much, and when I took it out today and asked a vendor if I could take their picture, I started getting attention from all over. It started by asking a garlic man if I could snap a pic, then the stand over asked me if I could take a picture of them, then a woman was calling me into the entrance of their apartment building to take a picture of a massive piece of artwork on the wall depicting Hindu gods. As I was taking a picture of the painting (a bit awkwardly I might add) the guy from the second stand comes up to me with a bag containing a pomegranate, an orange, and an apple. He gives it to me for free for taking his picture… he even cut the pomegranate in a way so that I just had to fold back a quadrant of it and eat the seeds out of it. After heading back into the market street from the apartment more people call me over. This ensues down most of the block, and I end up acquiring two bananas, three oranges, and the fruit from the first guy. Oh, and the tomato man insisted I take as many tomatoes as I want. I wanted two. As the market ends at the end of the street I take a right and head towards the next street of familiarity. I think back to yesterdays blog when I mentioned that quote, “action eradicates fear.” It applies today wonderfully as well. For some reason I have been feeling a bit unmotivated to take pictures. Just not really feeling the desire to capture everything I am witnessing/unsure of how to tell the story of the little neighborhood that I am living in. But I knew that I had to take pictures for the day and when I just started, just wrapped my camera strap around my hand, took off the lens cover, and snapped one picture it all was out of my hands from there. After that I had the creative juice back for the day, people were directing me where to shoot, pointing at their friends’ stands across the road saying “they want a picture!” Some were just messing with me as I would say “okay!” And walk over only for a laughing woman to be shaking her head and holding up her hand. I would turn around and give the guy a bit of crap for saying she did and he laughed, thinking his little joke was hilarious. The point remains, the fear left me. It wasn’t so much fear, but just a bit of nervousness about holding a massive camera in somebody’s face, or asking people who say no. At the end of the day, each “no” doesn’t matter, but sometimes I make it seem like a big deal when I haven’t touched the camera for a day or two and do not feel like it even now. But as I rounded the corner at the end of the market I yet again felt so grateful for my camera and this hobby. As well as the way the people of India are so drawn to it and so open with their expressions of excitement and curiosity for photography. Once again, I have to reflect on how many unique experiences just having a camera in my hand has put me in so far. From the simple conversations to getting a bag of fruit walking down the street. I am reminded that this is part of the theory I am testing, that I can love travel just for the sake of traveling and meeting strangers in small neighborhoods in big cities. That I do not need to research the things that I am supposed to see as a tourist, because at the end of the day it is almost always the experiences with the locals that are the most rewarding for me. The cricket practices, my shops I get to go to daily, especially my tea guy back in Hyderabad. The kid who walked me back to the hostel after cricket practice today, who was a young teenager but had good English so we covered an array of topics over the fifteen minutes. My friends in Hyderabad who I met because of the pigeon poop. These are my favorite interactions and parts of travel, yet I haven’t done anything I am supposed to yet. This walk and the market was a good reminder for all of this and a really positive way to kick off my day, even if it was 1:30 by now.

A friend sent me an excerpt from a book today that seemed to completely encapsulate this project. Not necessarily the surrender aspect but more so the direction and form that my writing has taken. The form of openness and vulnerability, a direction I knew I wanted to go towards but to what extent I was unsure. I am not going to write out the full message, but the idea was that through seeking out the unknown and putting ourselves in uncomfortable places we gather new experiences, thoughts, ideas, and information. With what we gather we grow into a fuller version of ourselves, shaping who we are and who we become. That one of the most important aspects throughout this process is to be open with others and share who we are, because through learning, sharing, and growing we are just uncovering who we really are for ourselves. I guess this is a brief reflection over the first third of this project, that there are more benefits and things to come from this than just the test to see if life will take care of me when I surrender to the path. That one of those things will be a further discovery of who I am. And that throughout this process I am revealing who I am to others, to whoever it is that decides to read this blog from time to time. Somebody emailed me recently and closed off the email by mentioning that they can understand why I choose to blog, “Writing your inner thoughts like this, knowing someone else is going to read it, very thrilling!” It is thrilling, it is exciting and fun for me. I told my brother, Mikal, on the phone the other day that it has a feeling of mystery to me by sharing everything that I have. How I normally love having these types of conversations with people and sharing viewpoints or thoughts I have that pop up, as well as hearing their opinions and philosophies around their own thoughts or in response to mine. But the blog is mostly one sided, I am not sharing this to get something in return or to have a conversation like in-person. This is just me putting it out there into the world and then crickets. It is freeing to do so, but it is a new way for me to share. It is learning to be confident and content in what I choose to share, there is no instant feedback by a head nod or an agreeance from my conversational counterpart. Nor is there somebody challenging what I say, because there are times in conversation when I say something without thinking too much about it. Then somebody points it out and challenges it and I think about it for a minute and I notice that what I said isn’t exactly how I felt. There is a good chance that is happening in some of these writings as well, maybe not though. I do not mean to discredit everything I am saying, and I think the writings have been intentional enough where I am not just spewing some bullshit just to hear my own voice. Side note: The last few sentences are a great example of what I am talking about hahaha, that I might type something out and then correct it right away, but instead of erasing it all I am just going to leave it. I wonder if the second half of this paragraph makes any sense to you reading this. If not, well sometimes we strike out I guess. Anyway, the point of this paragraph is that I am continuing to learn throughout this project. It is fun to reflect a third of the way through and realize all the little lessons that have popped up. Just proof that by putting myself in new scenarios and new positions I am uncovering more about myself. I am growing and changing in ways that were never expected or have nothing to do with the actual surrender aspect. I feel like all these insights and lessons are tied together. They are probably ideas or thoughts you all have heard before, I know it isn’t exactly groundbreaking stuff. Maybe if anything they are coming to you from a different perspective. I am sort of confusing myself at this point with where I am going in this paragraph so I am going to pause this for now and get back to the day for a bit.

After getting back to my hostel I caught up on writing and editing photos for a solid few hours. Which seems to be a daily thing as of late, with some of the blogs and writings getting longer and longer I find myself not able to finish them at night when I start writing at nine or ten. This is also becoming the first time I have had somewhat of a resemblance of a routine since… maybe August? That part of it feels good, even if it isn’t a dialed down routine like I would like to have or have enjoyed having at certain points of my life. But having nighttime be my working time has seemed to make the most sense, and am still undecided if I like that. It feels like I am utilizing my time better by working at night, as opposed to watching a movie at night before bed or doing whatever else. I unwind by recapping my day and exploring my thoughts. It is also incredibly rewarding and always makes my days feel very full. Even if it was a slow day and I didn’t do a whole lot, if I write and edit pictures for two to four hours before bed I feel like it was a full day and I accomplished a lot. Maybe it just feels that way because I haven’t had a larger project/work/responsibility to be working towards in many months. Anyway, after catching up a little bit on writing and editing I head out to grab a bite to eat before practice. Going for the same thing as yesterday: Manchurian, a banana, and a tea. Manchurian is basically shredded vegetables rolled into a ball and deep-fried, with a spicy red sauce over the top and some fresh cabbage. Quite tasty I might add. The guys face when I returned and he recognized me made my day. He was quite happy. I am excited to see his face tomorrow when I go back again. Practice was delayed because there was a game going on, but it helped me understand the game as we sat and watched for about an hour. After every play I would ask the kid standing next to me what just happened and how it effected the game. By the end of the game I felt pretty confident in my understanding, although there seemed to be a few weird minor rules that I didn’t pick up on. Practice was a bit chaotic today, with multiple teams and community members wanting to get on to play in the remaining last hour or so of sunlight. I fielded for a bit, got some batting practice in, and caught a few balls. Quite the confidence boost running after a popped up ball and catching it, only for 25 or so Indians to clap and yell, “good catch, Henry!” I felt like I was out there making Sportscenter Top 10 plays, even if they were simple catches most coordinated humans could make. After batting and hitting one past the deepest outfielders, what would have been a six point play for those who know the game, I swear I could envision a life of cricket in India. Maybe it was my destiny. But as I watched the next guy bat and hit about 8 out of his 10 swings further than I did that dream died rather quickly. Hey, a man can dream. Right? As some of you know I have an intense mind that dreams quite far reaching goals. There was a time when I was living in Barcelona back in early 2020 when we got a little high and I had an idea around money and the economy as a whole. Well I took that idea and within five minutes I legitimately thought I could become president of the United States one day. I have zero desire to ever become the president. I get an idea and it flies to the moon, maybe I need to release my expectations for myself, maybe that is why I always have these dreams but never act on them because I am instantly putting the most insane achievable thing as the outcome, putting way too much pressure on myself to succeed. Instead of just enjoying golfing I do not have to seriously think that I have a chance to play on the PGA tour one day. I do not know where these grandiose ideas come from, probably my little ego deep down trying to convince myself that I am the best. Last fall I went on a run and went for a fair amount of miles, nothing crazy but like double digits. After the run I was envisioning competing in ultramarathons and 100 mile races. Like what the fuck Henry! There have been three times I have ran 11 or more miles in my entire life. All three of them were in the month of September 2023, I have never ran more than 15 miles. Why am I thinking I’m about to compete at the highest levels of a sport?! It isn’t just a tiny dream, like I feel alive and energized and so excited by the idea. Then October rolls around and I travel full time and I can count on two hands the amount of runs I have been on since. You get the point, I love to dream big. Maybe by actually following through on this goal, the writing project, I will be able to tackle other ones going forward too. Oooh, that’s exciting.

Anyway, practice was good, hung out for a bit and listened to guys talking mostly. That is such a weird position to be in, a group of guys, ranging from 21 to probably 60 all sitting on the ground in a cluster laughing and joking around. I notice when some of them look at me or I catch a word or two that I believe pertain to me, and it is such a weird feeling to have no idea what they are saying yet be in the middle of it. To be quite honest it is a bit uncomfortable, especially when I know I get mentioned in the conversation because I hear USA, my name, or something along those lines. I sat there for a bit, but this particular group didn’t speak English very well and I was feeling increasingly out of place and removed from the conversation so I said an excuse, shook a few hands and walked over to the younger group of guys still batting and bowling until the very last light of the day faded or the older guys yelled at them to stop after they had enough with balls flying into their circle. Once the last few swings had been swung I said my goodbyes and headed back. I knew I still had a fair amount of writing to do today and wanted to get some dinner. After being alone for a week or so, I notice after practice I do not really feel like hanging out anymore. I am ready for some downtime, maybe just time to not feel like I am in a situation that requires a lot of energy to communicate, or learning a new sport, or something like that.

I grab a snack or two on the way home and get back to start writing. Instead a bit of an unwind is needed first so I respond to some texts and stuff and check up on my website. Then realizing I also need more food, so back out to walk a few blocks to get some grub. By the time I start writing it is already 9:30 or so. Why do I keep doing this to myself? I write for about an hour and a half but get distracted and catch up with Vincent when he comes back to the dorm room. We end up talking for a while and at this point I realize I still did not eat enough food so decide to head back out around 11:30 because I cannot stand going to bed hungry, it just never works for me. I go to one of the only stands open and get a grilled paneer salad type thing. It is basically grilled paneer with onions and tomatoes and a spicy red sauce. It takes a bit to prepare and a local starts talking to me. Within about five minutes he asks if it would be okay if we can see each other again. I never really know how to respond to these things so I say sure. He then gets my number and I tell him there is a chance I will not be able to, as I am pretty busy and just overall unsure about this dude because I met him a few minutes ago at a food stand at 11:30 at night on a random street in Mumbai. I hope you can see where I have a bit of hesitancy in this situation. Part of my brain tries to challenge this immediate hesitation with “but it’s the surrender project, maybe he is supposed to be in your life.” But then I remind myself that if he is supposed to be he will, that I do not have to make an effort to hangout with this stranger if it doesn’t feel right. Also, I think I want to take this confidence that Indian men have with asking strangers for their numbers back home. People keep complaining about dating apps and just dating in general. Well, have you tried just asking every cute girl you see for her number? And that kids, is how I met your mother. This might have to be a theory I test out when I get back to the States. In a few months from now get ready for another blog project, “Project: Huck & Pray” where I blog about the details of asking every cute girl I see for their number and where it goes. Hahaha this is hilarious in my mind and would actually be an interesting blog. Imagine a 5,000 word blog on my feelings, lessons, and thoughts throughout the day as I share about 37 women declining to give me their number. “Today was hard. I was challenged in my mental fortitude to keep going, to keep pursuing my purpose after being told no so many times. The lesson in all of this is a new one that I have never realized: to be present and grateful.” Nothing like reading a blog and the author is making fun of himself in another hypothetical blog about the blog that you are reading. Alright, I do not know where that came from but I feel like I can wrap this one up now. My train of thought is now so far gone I think it will be best continued tomorrow. Real talk though, thank you for making it to the tenth day with me. You are all a gift.