The Surrender Project: Day 11: The Enticement of Fear

The last few days have felt like they have flown by. Maybe it is because I am comfortable and have a routine going. Maybe it is because I have been sleeping in. Maybe something to do with the fact that this whole writing thing is starting to feel normal and just apart of the day for me. Or a combination of all of these things and a few other things as well. In case you were wondering, I ended up extending another day. I had a thought this morning that I haven’t really explored Mumbai like I did Hyderabad. Each day in Hyderabad I went either west, south, north, or east. I felt like I saw different neighborhoods and got an overall feel for the city, which is the opposite of what I have done in Mumbai. Tonight was the first time I have gotten into any type of transportation when Vincent and I went to check out a part of town known for being a bit up and coming and having a little more money. Vincent had been there briefly a few days prior and I was down to check out the vibe. I will get into that more when the time comes. But I realized this is a city of 21 million people, there has to be some crazy cool corners and powerful things to see. I can without a doubt get uncomfortable here, to get out of my cozy little neighborhood and go explore the city. I wanted to do more of that today but sometimes this project takes up a lot of time, especially when I do not finish the writing the night before, which has been the case as of late.

I made the mistake of glancing at my phone before my meditation again, which I think gets my head buzzing with thoughts and makes the meditation harder. I tend to daydream for half of it, and many many times this morning I caught myself far off in la la land. I would gently provide awareness to the fact that I am thinking, or label it “thought” and go back to focusing on the sensation of air coming and going through my nose. But within a few breaths I would be back lost in thought. It wasn’t a very good meditation, but the practice of just noticing that I am thinking and bringing it back to the breath is positive, so I know I at least took something from it. Today my mind kept wandering to my bucket list or “life resume.” Of big things I want to accomplish. I want to fill up my life resume, I want to be 50 and have a wide range of random things that I have accomplished. I know I mentioned I was a dreamer yesterday, but what happens if I actually just do all of these things? Things like hike a long trail, bike across the United States, quit my job and backpack around the world, get my solo skydiving license, complete a darkness retreat, and so on. The list is expansive of dreams I have. I honestly think part of it is ego, of this desire to be the cool dad who has all these crazy stories he gets to tell his kids. But isn’t there some beauty in that too? That one day my kids will hear these stories and from a young age become dreamers, dreamers who realize that they can do anything they want with their lives. Part of it is this desire to try things that push me. I love the idea of growth. Each of these bucket-list items, and the hundred I didn’t mention, would push me in some way, force me to grow or understand a different perspective, challenge the way we can live this life. These are all things I can add to my Life Resume, a term I absolutely love and find myself continually thinking about it on these travels. I believe it is a term Jesse Itzler coined. I want to have a full ass life resume. The beauty of the life resume is that it isn’t just massive bucket list things. Like it could be “lived at home during Covid.” Something I think we take for granted, because for a lot of us how many other opportunities are we going to get to be with our parents for that long of an extended time? My parents still talk about how much they loved that time, not Covid of course, but the fact that it meant some of their boys could live at home again for a bit. That’s a life resume item. On top of that, the beauty of the life resume is that you can craft it to be whatever you want, to reflect you in whatever way you want. Maybe you want your life resume to say you visited all 50 states with your spouse, or built a house together, or worked at the same job and worked all the way up to owning the company. There are so many things you can put on your life resume. For me personally, being an enneagram 7—the type who wants to try out different things and take chances at things, never wanting to miss out on an experience—I think I want my resume to have a lot of different bullet points. But this is also me writing this at midnight as I sit in a bed in Mumbai, India, less than 10 days away from being gone for five months. Maybe in two years from now my goals for my bucket list will change. Or, if you know me, they will probably change tomorrow, the next day, and the day after that. And each day I will be convinced whatever pops up is my destiny. Anyway, I got into this topic when I started talking about my meditation, right? Let's get back to that for a moment.

Even though the mediation didn’t go to plan, just the practice of sticking through it can be beneficial. I say this to any of you out there who also meditate. There are times where I get really antsy after about twenty minutes, but know that there is power in being able to sit for ten more minutes and try to focus on something. Part of the distraction of this meditation was a bit of a grumbling stomach, so I went out in the search for food right away. Everyday I head over to the same area to get food, it is about two blocks from my hostel and it is an intersection where each corner has a few places to get food. It is always busy, and I choose a different counter to walk up to this time and get food. This place has masala dosas, the food that I had been eating everyday in Hyderabad but haven’t had yet in Mumbai. I was happy to indulge in one before grabbing a tea and heading back home. Again I found myself with at least half a blog to write and the yesterdays photos to edit. So for the next probably two hours or so I sat down at a table with Vincent, mostly writing and editing but of course some side conversations and distractions as well. This was interrupted for another food run and a break, where we ventured out to find a snack before making our way back to the same table to do two or so more hours more writing. At some point I even did my first google search for things to do in India. This was sort of on a whim because I had been feeling inspired and motivated for some crazy adventure after having some caffeine. That will happen sometimes to me, where if I have caffeine when writing or working on something I get really into it, and my mind starts dreaming a bit even more. That is also probably why I wrote a lot about my grandiose dreams in yesterdays blog. Anyway, with that in mind, I googled “most remote places to visit in India.” Most of them were up in the far northeast, the part of the country I would have to get another permit to visit. Unsure though, as I haven’t looked too much into it, just basing that off of an Indian man telling me this in Sri Lanka. All the other spots were way up north around the Himalayas, which I would like to get to at some point. However, there is a bit of an issue with that. You see, when I originally planned this trip I was not intending to go anywhere even remotely cold. The extent of my warm clothes right now are one pair of pants, a light zip up hoodie, and a really light Good Travller quarter zip that is one of my favorite articles of clothing. That is the extent of it. When looking at the weather in the far north it is still below freezing as the highs during the day, and will continue to be that way for a while still. Now, I am not saying that I will never make it up there, but might need to do some shopping for it, and now probably isn’t the time to book it north. There was one spot that caught my eye, an island in the Sea of Bengal (east of India) that is closer to Thailand than it is India. The island has 16 inhabitants according to wikipedia, only 12 according to the article. It is visitable, but rarely is. They have a shack on the island where they let tourists stay on the rare chances that somebody actually shows up. This intrigued me, but not sure I am going to pull the trigger to go to this tiny island, especially given the flight costs and everything that it would require. But hey, again I am not discounting anything. All I was left with after my google search was a desire for something different. Something that wasn’t another big city with a twenty hostels to choose from where you can run into people and get anything you could possibly want within a few miles. I found myself wanting fresh air, quieter place, and some natural beauty. Now this is where I have to learn how to trust my intuition, because sometimes my desires for these things change. I am mostly speaking about this project. To explain I am going to jump ahead just a bit for a moment. After we sat and finished up our tasks we changed and hopping in a $1 uber tuk tuk to drive us 20 minutes or so into a new area of town. On this drive is when I realized I haven’t even explored the greater city of Mumbai yet. I saw some slums for the first time, some of the rougher parts of Mumbai, and the busy narrow streets between makeshift homes. It made me realize how many different parts there are to this city that I wanted to see. I wanted to get out and see the slums and feel what it is like to be overwhelmed with people trying to get down a street. I realized I wanted to find some challenge in this before I ventured out to a small village to have some unique experience there. Now the reason I bring this up is to explain the difficulty with this project when it comes to deciding what to do next. I still do not really know why I booked a ticket to Mumbai. So I do not have a whole lot of history to feel confident making the next choice, nor how to make it. And then I have my brain running in opposite directions, of trying to find a place “out there” that does not get tourists, and finding challenge in that. Or feeling the range of emotions and challenges that arise by exploring a city of 21 million people, or feeling like I want to get stuck in the busyness of another big city, like Delhi or something. At one point in the day I will feel something and then twenty minutes later feel the opposite. It can be challenging to make a decision when the only thing you have to base it on is your gut. It is also challenging because India is freaking massive, and incredibly diverse. Like imagine traveling to the United States for the first time with no plan. Where would you go? You can go to cities on the east coast like NYC or Boston, or go south to North Carolina or Florida. But you could also spend an entire month in just Manhattan. Or roadtrip the western states, stopping in all the classic spots, or you can spend a year only exploring national parks in California alone. There is so much to do and explore and witness, and there isn’t a right answer of what to do. At the end of the day there is going to be so much that I miss, and that is okay, but then it comes to deciding on what I want to do without really researching it and while going back and forth all the time anyway. While my mind is buzzing trying to think this through and a tiny bit lost in the process of actually making a decision, an excerpt from a podcast comes to mind. The Rich Roll Podcast (one of my favorites) had Dr. Ellen Langer on, a professor of psychology and the ‘Mother of Mindfulness’ who teaches at Harvard. She had a quote that Rich Roll put on his instagram, “Rather than waste your time being stressed over making the right decision, make the decision right. Randomly choose.” That there is no way of making a “right” decision, that we cannot know if it would have worked out better the other way. Or we do not know if it would have been so much worse. The idea that even if I choose to go to say Delhi or something and I have a horrible time, maybe it still would have been better than the other choice, or not. We do not know and have no way of knowing. There is no point in regret, and as Dr. Langer says, “regret is so mindless.” Because there is no way of knowing how else it would have happened. This is also directly tied into the idea of surrendering (shocker). Or rather, it is an act of surrender within itself. That you are surrendering to the choice you make, and going towards it with the confidence that it is the right choice. I really liked this thought by Dr. Langer, because it is so easy to get caught up in the worry of making the right choice. Small choices we ponder everyday, but big choices come along a fair amount and oftentimes we (myself included) get a bit over analytical. I personally believe that sometimes when an opportunity presents itself and it feels right, even if terrifying at the same time, that it presented itself for a reason. Moving to Colorado just fell into place for me. I was interested, and my friend, Will, dialed down and found a spot out of nowhere one day. I had to make the decision to go for it or not basically immediately. I said yes before I even told my parents or my job. I remember sitting my parents down, because I had been living at home for two months at this point, and telling them I have some news for them. It was an incredibly challenging conversation to say hey, I am moving 1,000 miles away. Oh and by the way, I do not have a job, I haven’t quit my job, and I move in two weeks. It was a shock for sure, and I remember it being quite an emotional conversation. About how I was scared to take the leap to move, I had never done something like that before, let alone to a small town in the middle of some mountains. I was terrified but I knew I had to do it, to just say I want to take a risk. My dad asked well what if I do not find a job in the next two weeks, I responded with, “well then I don’t find a job. But I know I have to try to take a risk in this life, I just to.” I am 99% sure I said that while crying pretty hard. Some know that I am not much of a crier, I wish I was because I really enjoy the release of it, but it is something I have struggled with. Anyway, I mention crying to put an emphasis on the power and weight of these conversations and decisions in our life that we make. I am not saying that the decision to move across the country or whatever massive choice you make is easy in anyway, but sometimes the hardest and most uncomfortable choices are the right ones. I hated the look in my parents face when I told them. The deep sadness that another one of their boys wasn’t going to be living close by for the time being. At first there was a bit of backlash, of trying to understand why their college educated son who had a good job was doing this. All of the emotion was because it was unknown to them and out of love. But I knew I had to take that risk. I used to always say things like, “get comfortable being uncomfortable” or “take risks” yet here I was at 24 years old and I never really took a risk. Nothing compared to quitting a good and stable job and moving to a completely new town I didn’t know much about. And look where we are now, the next risk, taking off even more time from my career and traveling was a lot easier to make, yet also filled me with such an excitement for the unknown. There is so much unknown in making a giant leap, and it can both terrifying and exciting, and that combination is one of the best feelings for me. Just to go back to my original point, opportunities arise when they are supposed to, and sometimes they aren’t there for a long time. Nobody knows for certain if it is the right choice, but sometimes if you listen really closely you can feel it in your gut. You know you are supposed to do something even if it doesn’t make sense financially or career wise. But you just know that it is the world drawing you in, giving you a chance to get on the path that is there for you. It is a bit ironic that as I just went off on a bit of a story about just taking the leap and trusting your gut, that I sit here in the same hostel unsure still about what to do next. Sometimes it is so easy to look back over something and think it was an easy choice and to just do it because it works out, to preach from the top of the mountain after a difficult hike that you almost quit on. But then you find yourself in a situation with a fraction of the ramifications that moving has, and I still am unsure about what direction or what to do next. Some lessons aren’t learned immediately I guess. That and I am still just a human who can hear things and even experience them, but sometimes it can be challenging to act on them.Taking the risk is scary and our first inclination is to run away from it, because we associate that fear with being bad. There is also the risk that it might now work out, that maybe you put your all into a company idea and it fails. The optimist in me says you never really fail because all that time and effort put towards something taught you so much and allowed you to level up to where you are now. This is just a reminder to me to take the risk. Go towards the thing that feels scary. That sometimes you just have to take the leap into the unknown and surrender. Sometimes it is the things that feel scary yet in the most enticing of ways. It is almost like an uncomfortable tickle, where it hurts but you’re laughing and it almost feels good in a way but you want it stop. Those are the things I think we need to go towards. Personally I am feeling fired up and inspired now, and my mind is about to start dreaming about some magnificent things. So before I get too far out there let's wrap up the day.

After our down time Vincent and I caught the uber to the oceanside, wanting to watch sunset and see that area of town. There was a glow that only polluted air in golden hour can provide, so we walked around for a few minutes as we were already pretty late to the sunset. It made me very excited to get out the next day with the intention of catching more stuff with the light. When you frame somebody against the light of the sun at this time of day it almost looks like there is an aura or golden ring around them, it is magnificent light to shoot in and I will definitely be exploring it more. I am pretty sure this particular area by the water is not one where they see many tourists, as Vincent and I were catching stares and glances from just about every direction. We kept a decent pace, not wanting to stop at every person who exclaimed, “camera!” At the fact that we both had a camera in our hands. Eventually a two girls approached and asked for some pictures, so I took a few for them, as well as their group of friends. Sometimes it can feel like I am giving a solid gift to people when I send them their portraits after, especially in good lighting with a nice camera. At other times it can feel a bit uncomfortable that I am expected to take photos for people and send them to them immediately. Oftentimes I will say I can send them, and within an hour am getting multiple texts telling me to send the pictures. I do not want to take it personally, as I am sure most people are not aware of the effort that goes into sorting and editing photos. So a friendly reminder if you ever ask a friend to take couple pictures or senior photos or any type of pictures who is a photographer. Maybe buy them a beer or something as a thank you (I am not saying this so my friends buy me beers back home… but I am also not not saying this so my friends buy me beers back home). Afterwards we stopped in this extremely local restaurant that I am sure you have never heard of, I believe it was called McDonalds? It can be fun to walk into a McDonalds and see what their menu looks like in a foreign country, as well as prices and what not. Afterwards we walked a few blocks away to a more affluent part of Mumbai and it shocked me with how different it was than any other part of India I have seen. Apart from seeing nice cars around and what not, it was the people. I noticed the young women wearing the same clothes that are fashionable in the united states. I saw the same shoes and overall the same demeanor. It was just so different than what I have been used to seeing in India and took me off guard a bit. The restaurants felt like the type of new fun restaurants you see in any big city, with intentional lighting and funky designs. Not a thirty year old poster hung haphazardly over the window that you are ordering from behind. It honestly felt like any western city I have been in. It felt modern and put together. At one point we could tell we were on the border of the nicer area because one side of the street had bars and funky places, the other had fruit stands and plastic chairs outside of a man standing behind a small window. It was a stark difference. I do not point out the affluent area as a shock that India has these areas, more so that it just popped up out nowhere, although I am not sure how else it would. It was cool to see, and honestly felt pretty nice to get some cheesecake at a spot and hangout for a bit. Also stopping at a Vegan restaurant that would be do very well in any major city just to get a drink that Vincent had a few nights ago. I got a rose lemon kombucha. I am sure I will experience more stark disparities in wealth, as I have heard Mumbai is a bit famous for that. Having slums where over a million people live that are built right up to the backs of wealthy skyscrapers and city. I cannot speak too much on this wealth gap and the reasons and issues around it. But I will try to provide some awareness to it over the next day or two with some photographs. We will just have to wait and see what life shows me tomorrow. And with that I wish you all a good day. Go take a risk.