The Surrender Project: Day 24: Social Anxiety & Watching the World
The last week or so of this project have seemed to absolutely fly by. It is crazy to me that I only have a few days left of this thing, especially because I am writing this blog on the 25th day. Day 24 had a bit of a sleepy energy to it, but I still tried to get out and about a few times, with one or two situations proving to be really good things to reflect on and be aware of. Before I get too into that lets kick it off the day right where it began, at about 8:45 am after a not so restful night of sleep.
I woke up and immediately knew that I was going to change hostels because there was no way I was going to choose to put myself in that situation again. I got out of bed and talked to the Spanish guy a bit who happens to have a small business selling clothes where he lives, Ibiza. This does not surprise me for a second as he is tatted pretty much everywhere I can see besides his neck and face, and has a ton of jewelry on. A very nice guy who tells me where the parties are and some good spots to stay that are not this one. He does tell me as a heads up that this town is incredibly hippy, like, “real hippies, not just travel ones” whatever that means. I do not think much of it and go to the front desk to see if I can get a refund for the next two days. Of course the one spot that I book multiple days at has a strict no cancellation policy. No sweat, I mean at the end of the day it was $3.50 a night, so if I have to lose out on $7 to ensure that I sleep for the next two nights is fine by me. In my haste the night before I dreamt up a bad review I was going to leave, complaining about the door and the loud sounds outside, but when I was awake this morning and talking to the host I realized being mean isn’t going to help anybody. I still might leave a review, but not like a 1 star review, just something to educate other travelers on and give them a heads up that it may be noisy at night because of the door situation. Anyway, I grab my stuff and walk towards the middle of town, eventually finding a hostel that seems decent. There are a few floors and a rooftop patio area, plus it is in the middle of basically everything in the town. I book two nights and go set my stuff down in a 4-bed room, realizing there is nobody else here. I came to realize over the rest of the day that out of the 6 dorm rooms they have, I am the only person staying here in the entire building. It didn’t strike me as that odd until I was going to sleep that night and wondered if there was a reason that not a single other person was here. The online reviews checked out, so I slept okay in my first ever solo dorm room. Anyway, I grab some food and a coffee on the rooftop and read a bit before I decide I need to workout. Before India I was in a decent routine of at least doing some push-ups, dips, and core. In India that all went out the window for some reason and I haven’t done any workouts since I arrived. Physical exercise is something I value incredibly highly for my mental as much as my physical and knew I had taken too much time off. I decided some push-ups and a run would be a good way to get back to it. Normally when I run I time myself with the intention of going fast, pushing myself to max out the workout. This time I decided not to care about time and go at a slower pace, just enjoying the fact that I am running in a town in India and to see what I see. I walked a few of the busy streets to get away from my hostel and right before I was about to start a woman stops me and asks for a selfie. This is a very normal thing in my life but rare for women to ask; rare as in it never happens. I say sure, and she says to use my phone, so without thinking I do. She then says she wants to bless me and starts doing henna on my hand, but I say no I do not want it because I knew where this was going, she grabs my hands firmly and draws a few horrible circles before I really pull away. Then says I need to pay her for it. I am about to go on a run and didn’t sign up for this so tell her I have no cash and just run away (literally).
The streets in this town are littered with cows. They are just walking down streets or markets, nibbling on random pieces of garbage or food on the streets, and showcasing the nonchalant attitude that cows always seem to emit. To be completely honest here, cows kind of scare me. They are not small creatures and they all have these little horns, overall it is an irrational fear as they seem to not care about people here in the slightest. This fear has been slowly becoming less and less the more cows I am around and the fact that they do not react to human presence in any way. Anyway, lots of cows are on the streets as I run past. Then as I get out of town a bit there are camels carrying these carts everywhere. Camels might be making a run into my top 5 favorite animals because they make me laugh every time I see one. They are the derpiest animals out there, seriously. They just walk around and chew on grass and stuff, with their weirdly human teeth and their active lips it just absolutely cracks me up every time I see them. They look perpetually high. Like they are absolutely stoned on life and just do not have a single fuck to give, eating the grass with their eyes half open, mouth agape, and head moving slowly looking off in random directions. I get the sense that they have no clue what is going on and are always on the verge of laughing, just continuously giggling to themselves over nothing. Anyway, camels are great, and I was more than happy to run past them during parts of my run. As I head out of town and away from the buildings there is a different visual for me: Garbage. As soon as I am on roads with just trees and nothing else, the streets become littered with trash. Like people just drive their cars out of town and dump mounds of garbage onto the side of the road. It is consistently lining the roads for the next mile or so I run out. The total run was only 3.5 miles and it was there and back, but man the garbage and the smell was so upsetting to me. There were even some piles on fire, that people just light and leave. It is really sad the extent that garbage covers this country. The streets in Pushkar are decently clean and I even saw people sweeping the streets late at night. But it doesn’t matter when it just gets taken a kilometer out of town and dumped wherever they want to. It really does put a stain on the countryside here and its a bummer. It also isn’t the most revitalizing thing to be running in, as I am inhaling garbage and burning plastic as I go. Anyway, a run felt absolutely incredible because it was my first run in probably a month, something to keep a habit of going forward.
After cooling down, showering, and venturing out for a bite, I find myself back on the roof to do some writing. It is around 4:00 at this point and before I start writing a hear some yelling from the street so I look down the three stories to see a bunch of monkeys stealing carrots and running off to the rooftops. These are huge monkeys too, not the small ones I was used to seeing running around Southeast Asia. I just watch them for almost an hour, just perching on rooftops and swinging from railings. The craziest thing I witnessed was one monkey running and jumping from my side of the street to the other, three stories high. He leaped parkour style across an entire street! I also saw one fall about two stories, land on his feet, and just walk it off. Like imagine having that ability as humans, to scale buildings, jump roads, and fall from 20 feet like it is nothing. That would be incredibly fun. I feel like it was cool to just them resting on rooftops, watching life happen around them and munching on carrots that they stole. I realized before long that I was doing the exact same thing as them, resting on a rooftop just watching the world happen around me. I wonder what goes through their minds when they see me, or any human. Do they look down on us as lesser than them because we cannot climb or do the physical things they can? Or is it more so just curiosity and awareness that we exist around them. I mean, do other animals judge? Like subconsciously we look down at monkeys or animals as lesser than us because they cannot do the things we can or have the brains we do. Do other animals judge others? Or is it only humans because we have the brain power for it? Anyway, eventually settle down to write for a bit, pondering some of these questions in my mind but not thinking too much on them.
Around 7:00 I venture out to find some food and snap a few pictures. I frustratingly missed sunset, which I think would have been a good one. I wander for a while, just seeing how different streets feel and eventually finding myself in the touristy area, which unsettles me just a little bit. I do not know why I find myself not always enjoying being in the touristy areas, but it just makes me more aware that I am a tourist and sometimes it feels weird. Eventually I come across a Tibetan restaurant and head up a few flights of stairs to the small room inside. It has maybe 5 or 6 tables and then a big L table against a corner with cushions on the floor. There is only one person sitting at it so I head over and grab the outside part of the bottom of the L (if that makes sense). I didn’t exactly realize that the person by herself was waiting for a bunch of friends to join and pretty soon the long part of the L is filled up with a few on the corner next to me as well. The people that filled in were the people that the man from Ibiza had told me about, "real hippies.” By real hippies I mean tattoos covering their necks and faces, massive pieces of jewelry with piercings all over their faces and ears, flow and funky clothes, dreadlocks down to their waists with the sides of their head shaved. Like people who are very expressive with themselves. From what I gathered they were mostly from Europe but lived here part time or just spent a lot of time here. Now, I do not want to judge anybody in any way, but the reality is sometimes it can make you feel a bit uncomfortable to be the outsider in a group of people, especially a group of people you are not normally around. I was wearing converse and a button down, not exactly the same vibe. I found myself with a bit of social anxiety, worried in a sense what they thought of me and how I was being perceived, especially as I was on the outside of this table as they slowly came in over the next ten minutes or so. I wasn’t on my phone, just sat there staring off into the distance unsure of what to do. I was going to read on my phone but that didn’t feel right, to be honest I didn’t want to be perceived as some classic American, glued to his phone at dinner. Why was I worried what these people thought of me in the first place? I have no idea, especially because during traveling this isn’t a feeling I have felt much, in fact the opposite, normally not giving a fuck what people think when I am wearing the same dirty pants and shirt and haven’t showered in three days and look like a mess. I was a bit uncomfortable, unsure if I should join in the conversation a bit or just do my own thing. I didn’t really feel like socializing, so decided to just chill and sit there. Of course, because I am so aware of feelings and emotions lately I picked up on my social anxiety immediately. So, once again, instead of trying to get out of it by going on my phone I just sat there and thought through it. First, I grounded myself in the present by bringing awareness to my legs touching the cushions, then my breath, and then started to think through the why. Why am I feeling anxious in this situation? Do I actually care at all what these people think of me? First I reminded myself that I am not that important to them, or any stranger for that reason. That me sitting here thinking that they are all thinking about me or judging me is a bit of a crazy thought. In reality they probably notice me, but then go back to their conversations and do not think about me. This thought made me laugh to myself a bit, a humbling yet freeing truth. The second thought that came up was that even if they did, even if they all thought I was a weirdo, what did it matter? I am sure they get judged by other people all of the time for how they choose to express themselves and I am sure they know that, but probably do not care at all. I found myself resting my head against the backrest and looking at the ceiling, thinking through all of these thoughts and realized they probably just thought that I was really high and staring at the ceiling as I wait for food. This made me audibly chuckle, which probably just confirmed their suspicions that I was high (I wasn’t). I thought deeper into it. I personally am not judging these people, I am just worried that they are judging me. Why though? Part of it was this in-between of being unsure if I should be friendly and say hi or just continue to exist in my own bubble. I think it was because it made me question my confidence in myself being myself. To dress and present yourself as outwardly as they do gives off a sense of extreme self confidence and assurance of self. This makes me feel like I might not be as confident, even subconsciously, and thus become more reserved and less myself, feeling like I do not match up as well to them. These are a few of my thoughts as I sat there over the next 30 minutes waiting for my food. It took about 15-20 minutes until I fully settled in and didn’t feel anxious or worried about the situation. It doesn’t just go away as soon as I realize I am or tell myself all these things do not actually matter and I am just in my head. What continued to occupy my thoughts was why did I react this way in the first place? This is the type of thing that I have worked hard on not having happen in social situations, where I stop getting lost in my head and just exist in the moment, reacting to what actually happens, not fears in my head. Social anxiety is something we all have to some degree, and these are not my words. In fact, if you have zero thoughts ever about what people think or perceive you as or anything like that, you are probably a psychopath. Literally. I am blanking on what book I heard this from but I read it somewhere in the past. Anyway, the anxiety comes from us removing ourselves from the moment and allowing that little voice in our head to play out all of our fears instead. As I mentioned earlier, people are so caught up in their own lives and how they are being perceived that they barely notice you in the first place. The grounding thing is incredibly powerful to get out of your head. Feel your surroundings, focus on where you are sitting, the feeling of the chair against your butt, the music you hear, what you see. I do not mean to make this another lesson around presence, but I laughed to myself when I realized that I just sat there and thought about why I was a bit anxious around these people as opposed to just allowing myself to exist in the present and not even think about it. After I ate and left I was thinking about it again on my walk, just to see how I could learn from the situation. A hypothesis I have for why I felt those things in the first place is because I was tired. I think being tired or hungry are two things that blow up our emotions and make us react or respond to things in a heavier way, typically more negatively as well. The night before I got very little sleep and I find myself more prone to having feelings of social anxiety or random overthinking when I am tired. It makes a massive difference to me. I know this is not a me thing, and I know it is backed by science. Think about kids, they get fussy and cranky when they do not get sleep. I say kids but we are all that way too, but we’re adults so we are slightly better at concealing ourselves and do not go throwing temper tantrums in a grocery store. My patience for things diminishes, my chance of feeling any type of anxiety increases, my irritability increases; all of these things are linked to sleep and being fed adequately. It is just something to be aware of when you are feeling a certain way. This was a great reminder to myself, especially because I also skipped my mediation today and I am curious if this caused the feelings to expand. Another reason why I love getting a lot of sleep, it doesn’t just make me not tired, but I notice I am a better human who operates at a higher version of myself. Sleep is so freaking important.
After walking around for a bit I ventured back to the hostel. It is nice having my own room again, even if it feels weird having a few empty beds around me. I wrap up the blog from yesterday and eventually head to bed. I find myself being quite happy spending the day alone after being in a spot where I met somebody most days. I think sometimes the lonely feelings are more appropriately named homesick. Because it wasn’t so much feeling bad that I was alone, but just missing friends and family. As I type this out I realize that they are probably linked and the line between lonely and homesick is quite blurred. I find myself spending more time just sitting places and not doing anything. Such as seeing some monkeys and instead of taking a few pictures and going back to my life I just sit and watch them for an hour. Just witnessing life happening around me without the urge to speed through it. This makes me sound so old, but maybe it is just a realization everybody hits when they turn a certain age. Most people when they turn 75, me when I turn 25. Just the way it goes. I even noticed it on my walk home through the streets, I was walking so so slow, one foot in front of the other with absolutely zero rush in my step. Old men were passing me as they walked with their hands clasped behind their back. It wasn’t long until I was doing the same thing. The walking slow isn’t intentional, in fact I am reflecting on it now for the first time, but it is really nice. Back home I am a fast walker, I like to get places and am typically in some form of a hurry. It is really nice to not have to rush, to just cruise with no care if it takes 15 minutes or an hour. I even walked down to the lake on my way back last night and just stood on the edge and looked around. It is nice to do this on your own time and not have anybody else to think about in terms of what they want to do or anything. You can just get lost in your own world as you pace the narrow streets of a small village in India, stopping here and there, not really thinking too much about anything. It was quite a peaceful evening after the interesting dinner. Peace seems to be a theme that has been coming over me the last few days, but we will wait to dive into it too much as I am sure there will be a better time than at midnight on day 25. Until next time.
