The Surrender Project: Day 25: Finding Peace Throughout
Today started with a drive to do something and I found myself choosing again to put off my meditation. I do not know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, or just a thing. I am sure it would have been a positive thing to practice my patience and sit in silence for 30 minutes, but I was feeling restless and wanted to get outside and roam around. I grabbed my camera and headed out, first stopping at a restaurant a few blocks away to get some kadai paneer with roti and a few chais. I wasn’t really sure where to go, so just started walking streets and seeing what I saw. Even though this is a somewhat touristy area I still find I am getting a fair amount of attention from locals. There seem to be more scammers here, more people asking to take a picture with the intent of getting paid, or finding some way to make me feel bad for not giving them money after they perform an act. A man came up to me saying his wife was a “real gypsy woman” and that I could get a picture with her. I tend to ignore these statements or give a head shake and a “no” before walking away showing no interest. They were quite persistent and followed me down the block, catching up when a few local guys wanted to stop me and shake my hand, asking where I was from and what I am doing here. The gypsy and her husband caught up to me, repeating the phrase, “no money, no money, just picture!” But there is always money with these things, literally to the point of her blocking my path and posing, trying to get me to take a picture. I get it, they’re trying to do whatever they can to get some money, whatever. Unfortunately it closes me off to locals sometimes and I had a guy ask me to stop and I kept walking and he seemed to get hurt at the fact that I ignored him trying to talk to me. I will say it isn’t my favorite thing when people whistle at me after I ignore their shouts, or the various other ways they try to get my attention. One guy came up to me and held out his phone, posing for a selfie as I am talking to a different man. He looks at me and whistles, prodding my shoulder and pointing at his phone so we can take a selfie. This was in the middle of me in conversation with a guy on the side of the street. I choose not to take it to personally but it isn’t exactly a comfortable thing. I find myself eventually going down a small street to the lake that sits in the middle of this town of only 20,000 or so people. It is a famous lake in the Hindu religion and is seen as sacred. If you want to get close to the lake you have to take off your shoes, and people pray next to it or swim in it for a cleansing experience. I chose to just sit and watch for a while. It is a pretty scenic spot with the buildings and steps leading down into the lake, cows walking everywhere, hundreds and hundreds of birds and pigeons doing laps around the lake, and small foothill mountains in the background. I snap a few shots of the pigeons flying around, as I think having birds in an image always seem to add such a dynamic component that seem to create a lively feel. This also happens to be a selfie hotspot and I find myself taking pictures with people every minute. I do not mean to complain about people coming up to me, I realize that a part of this blog seems to have that feel to it. There is a point where my patience does run out with it, posing for a selfie or a picture over and over with people when I am trying to just sit in a place, and eventually I decide to move on and head back to my hostel to get another workout in.
It feels immensely good to move my body again and something that I question why I ever stopped doing in the first place. Working out consistently is hard, but it provides so much to my mental and overall wellbeing that I do not see a reason not to do it. After the run I clean up and head out to find food, knowing I could eat anything and everything at this point. Pizza seems to be calling me in so I stop in the first spot I see, it is an empty little garden type vibe as I find an area to sit and rest as I wait for the pizza and start a fresh book. This one is a novel, choosing to take a break from the books that make me think so much about being a better person or shifting my mindset and get lost in a good story that somebody recommended to me. Starting another book that instantly grabs me in probably isn’t the best idea for seeing more of Pushkar and exploring, but it is a good excuse to read a few pages of a book while I eat my pizza instead of scrolling instagram or something. I am sure there will be some lesson in this book that I gather and choose to share soon, the heavy favorite betting odds are on that lesson having something to do with presence or awareness, but stay tuned.
After pizza I go back to strolling the streets quite slowly, hands clasped behind my back taking step by step with intention. There is nothing fast about it and it is quite a lovely way to occupy my time post consumption of an entire pizza. A side alley connecting two market streets catches my attention so I stroll up the street, seemingly pretty empty of shops and traffic. There was something that caught my eye however, two urinals on a wall on the side of the street. Literally that was the extent of it, a concrete slap with a concrete divider and two urinals placed on it. No entrance, no door, nothin shielding you from the street. If somebody drove by in a car they could stick out their hand and probably give you a little push. I had to test out the convenience of such a toilet, naturally, and found myself overall pleased with the experience, 10 out of 10 would use again. It gives me a chuckle as I continue on my way sauntering up the street, only to find another one, except this “urinal ” was literally just a concrete “L” and people could be in the corner. The corner also only happened to be about four feet high, so you could look over the edge and probably continue any conversations while going about your business. Quite the architectural masterpiece I must to say. My stroll eventually takes me back to my hostel where I go to the roof to take a photo of sunset. Well, that was my intention anyway, as the sunset wasn’t anything too crazy and I ended up just watching it instead. I find myself sitting down four stories high and watching the world wind down as the sun fades for about 45 minutes. Again, this feeling of peace comes over me in just existing in that moment and allowing my mind to think a little, witness a little, and do whatever else ones mind does. I want to dig into this feeling of peace a little bit more and see if I can uncover some of the reasons behind it or what it really is in the first place. It is a feeling I have noticed a few times over the previous days, especially when I am doing something purely for the act of doing it. Such as walking really slowly with no place to really be or any intention of seeing anything, just strolling at a slow pace. Or hanging out on top of the roof, just looking around at the birds flying over the buildings or the light slowly fade out. These simple moments have seemed to be bringing me a feeling of calm joy recently. One theory I have is that this project is coming to an end soon, I only have a few days left and then it is over, at least this specific project is. The reason I am finding peace in that is because there were expectations around the project. As much as I tried to be open to anything, I expected there to be more crazy situations I found myself in, more physical challenges or being lost in small towns. On top of this I was worried that I wouldn’t have things to write about or what would I share if I wasn’t doing crazy things throughout? And I find peace now because I realized that I went in a different direction than I was expecting to, that this has been more about going inside than it was experiencing things externally. I also realize it really always is the weird little moments that I will remember the most from traveling in general, and since there isn’t enough time left for me to restart this project and make it a crazy travel blog about an American who does wild things through India, that I can now find peace in the little moments because they are the core of it. That there doesn’t need to be crazy stories for me to learn about myself or what traveling means to me. I do not mean to reflect on the project as a whole right now, I wanted to mention the reflection in how it relates to bringing me peace in the days now. I think about what will be the moments I look back on fondly in years to come. It will be the time I sat on the rooftop and watched an incredibly forgettable sunset by myself, just existing in that moment. It will be the time I wander the streets like the old men here, hands clasped behind my back, one foot slowly in front of the other. It will be the time I read a book in that pizza spot where I was the only one eating for almost two hours. It will be that time I sat on the patio rooftop at the hostel and watched monkeys roaming the streets for an hour or so. No, they are not the stories I will tell for years to come. Those will be the time I went to an Indian wedding, or the time I got stoned with a few Indian stoners at a BBQ in the middle of the country, or the bus stories, or joining a cricket team for a few days. These are not better or worse. But I think they are not the stories I will miss the most, they will be the most unique experiences, but not the deepest take away. I mention all of this just to express the peace that seems to be in me when I am experiencing the mundane moments of travel. I think back to living in Barcelona and what I miss most. No, it isn’t the crazy clubs that we went to all the time or the late nights having fun or experiencing wild memories across Europe. It is sitting outside a cafe at 3:30 before my 4:00 pm class, sipping on a beer or an espresso, and maybe smoking a cigarette as I watch the world move around me or talking to one of my roommates. The moments we find where nothing else matters except existing in them. There was nothing for me to do for the 30 minutes before I had to walk next door and go to Spanish class, so why not stop and just be, sip on a beer and feel the beautiful weather that Barcelona seems to always have. These are the moments we read about in old classic books, the ones we get to experience all the time yet cruise through thinking we want the next big thing in life, thinking these are just pauses to get back to the main event. I think we have it backwards sometimes, that these moments are the main events or the most cherished moments. I think about my road trip I took with my old roommate. Arguably my favorite memory from that trip is stopping at this cafe on the Pacific Coast Highway in California and making eggs in the parking lot and then getting an americano and sitting on this balcony overlooking greenery and the ocean from above. We sat there for probably two hours, sipping our drinks, laughing at this specific horse that was an NPC, and lost in just that moment. Just the pause from all the exploring or hiking or things we do when we are traveling or living life. It is so cliche to say the little things are what matter the most in life but there is so much truth to it. Lately I have been practicing that truth and realizing the weight behind it. Releasing the little pressure I was feeling to make this blog a story where my readers are blown away with what I am doing. Maybe it is about uncovering my own truth more and releasing this ego drive to live a special life, that it doesn’t matter if I go hike a mountain or if I sit in a cafe and read. I still like a somewhat busy life, I like the feelings of having to do things and accomplishing goals, I still want to seek out adventures and challenges. But I think relishing in the simple moments allows all of life to get a little bit sweeter. Finding peace in the slow allows the highs to feel more special, and coming down from those highs and finding a cafe to read in or a rooftop to sit on makes the full experience of life just that much richer. There is still a balance to it all of course, you cannot have too much of one thing. This is a reminder to myself to not rush past the little moments, to find peace in the mundane, and release expectations of what I need to experience traveling. Especially realizing that truly my favorite moments traveling, and in life, are the little moments we find ourselves in. I could come up with a million examples of why. Thinking back to college and what I remember from weekends are the pregames with my roommates more than the bar we ended up at, making a quick meal while we bump tunes and have some drinks. The events that do not feel like the main events: the drives going to a destination, the preparation and creating of a meal versus consuming it. These are the moments I want to draw attention to and the ones where we can find so much peace in. I love these moments and I am finally feeling the peace of seeking them out and not trying to do too much with the days, especially as I am sharing the details of my life in a blog and feel a tiny bit of pressure to do more. That there is as much value in sitting on a rooftop watching sunset as there is in anything else. I think this wraps up quite nicely where my head has been at recently and I am sure there will be further mention of this idea going forward as well.
In more important news, my fear of cows has completely diminished. In large part to seeing multiple cows cuddling up to a person on the streets petting them and how happy they seemed to be at getting some neck scratches. I am still unsure why I ever thought they might be aggressive animals in the first place, but turns out they are just big dogs who want some pets and love. Anyway, after my roof hangout I felt called to do an actual meditation but it was getting rather cold so I went down to my room and meditated for half an hour. At the end of it I gave myself about fifteen minutes to lay down and think and play out some thoughts that were popping up in the meditation. They weren’t anything serious whatsoever, just some daydreams that felt like watching a movie as I laid down. It honestly felt like it was a reward or a little treat for getting my meditation done, that now I deserve time to let my thoughts wander and play out a random scenario. This is definitely a theme I am noticing as I spend less time on social media, but instead go to my imagination and let it run for a bit to see what I can come up with for a story. Maybe I will write one out one day, a little fiction as a break to all this real life stuff.
I was craving some ice cream and knew some stores would be closing soon so ventured out to find some. I got a pretty below average chocolate cone from some corner stores back freezer but it did the trick. Probably will also mean I am not craving ice cream any time soon based on how it tasted. After strolling the streets for a bit and eating the ice cream I realize I still have a few things to finish in terms of writing and editing pictures and I already feel myself losing steam. I catch up with my brother on the phone for a minute, overall a really happy and good conversation sharing where we are at and where we are looking to go. Just put me in a good spot. Then, my friend Vincent from Mumbai arrives and comes to give me some company for two days before we go out separate ways again. So we sit and catch up on stories from the last week and random thoughts we have. Of course, deciding we are hungry at midnight so check to see if the hostel staff is still hanging out in the cafe upstairs. We eat, catch up some more and I still haven’t finished writing or editing, so the night drags on until about 1:45 am or so when I finally wrap everything up.
I want to close out my day 25 with a quick thank you to those of you who are choosing to read these and be a part of this journey with me. This is shaping up to be a complete headfirst dive into myself and learning a deeper part of who I am at my core. I feel like I am changing so much throughout the last month and a large part of that is because of the hyperawareness I have had into my life. That coupled with the ability to sit down everyday and write 4,000 words that end up being a random exploration into my mind and my thoughts for the day. I really do appreciate you for being apart of my ride, because in a large part it means you are choosing to be apart of my life. This is a very personal and self-focused blog about how I experience the world. I am not sure if you can tell, but the way I experience the world and even who I am is changing. This is a wild thought to have and realize that a new version of myself is coming out of this, and through learning about myself the confidence and self-love is expanding in what I feel is a healthy way. So, thanks for giving me a little audience for this, and thank you to all who have responded in ways that challenge my ideas or thoughts, or share your own experiences and what you are learning as we all go through this magnificently complex thing we call life. A few days left, 100,000 words surpassed, the journey is just getting started.
