The Surrender Project: Day 28: Heading North
The final day in Pushkar started around 9:30 without a meditation but this time I felt I had a viable excuse. Vincent had a bus at 2:40 and wanted to make sure we didn’t rush anything, so we ventured out to the same spot we had dinner at to get some food. I didn’t indulge like last time, choosing to get the eggplant moussaka, which wasn’t exactly moussaka but still was quite tasty. We didn’t hang around for too long as I still need to figure out how I was going to get to my next destination and all the details around what it was going to entail.
This part is so exciting for me to share and definitely feels like a perfect way to get close to wrapping this project up. Those of you who have been reading since the beginning might remember on Day 0 I met a guy at the airport who had invited me to come stay at the temple in the north with him and meditate and learn from the saint who lives there. Well, the whole project is coming full circle because that is exactly where I am headed now, up to the north of India to partake in whatever is waiting for me. It is something that has popped into my mind a few times throughout my traveling, the idea of reaching back out to this guy and seeing if he was serious about me coming to stay at the temple. So, I shot him a text a few days ago and didn’t really hear back right away, a bit fearful that it might no longer be an opportunity for me. In my head I had to remind myself that whatever direction this went was the optimal one, that if this opportunity wasn’t available it was going to lead me in a better direction. Well, he got back to me and said of course it is still open, to let him know when I am planning on coming and he will organize the whole thing for me. I was so excited about this and have been feeling like my whole time in India has been leading up to an experience like this. There are a few details that I feel might be important to add to give you all an idea of what this will be like. First off, I have to cover my head at all times, which means Henry’s turban era is about to take off and I couldn’t be more ready for it. Second, no communication with women. Third, three meditation times a day, each for two hours, the first one starts at 4:00 am. Fourth, try to communicate a small amount and keep noise to a minimum. This just means a lot of alone time and a lot of time to dig into your own mental space. I am unsure how long I will stay here for, but it is free lodging and food, I just need to help out in the kitchen from time to time. I am also unsure around the rules for using phones/laptops/etc. Obviously you can use your phone because I have had contact with my friend who is already there. However, I know if it was a normal meditation retreat they would take away your phone/books/journals for 10 days. So I am thinking even if I have access to phone and laptop, to choose to not use them for an extended period of time to really dive head first into the experience and to help fine tune the meditation sessions even more. The idea being that the less outside distractions you take on the easier it will be to quiet your mind during the meditations because you have less thoughts. These are just a few of the guidelines that I am aware of as of now. I am literally just going to show up and see how it all plays out, trying to go into this thing with no expectations. It is in a tiny town that you need to take a taxi too as no buses go through it, so I am also excited to get out of some of the business and chaos of Indian cities and fall into a new routine.
I want to take a second to dive into the idea that my whole path of India has been leading into this next chapter. I feel like this project took a slightly different path than I had originally intended or thought it would and has been very focused on my own personal learning and exploration through experiencing certain events or emotions. In large part due to the amount of reflection and writing that I have been doing, diving into most of my thoughts and reactions to things. Lately I have mentioned this desire to keep exploring the internal, or find the alone time and keep pushing down this path. It is in conjunction with this overall feeling of peace that I seem to have found recently. All of my experiences over the last month almost feel like they have built up a groundwork to go into a more challenging and intentional inner experience. One that might entail six hours of meditation a day with little to no outside distractions. Yet I feel so ready for this experience because I feel like it is in line with what the last month has been about, and what this portion of my traveling is about. To keep growing and learning and expanding myself through experiences. This is not going to be an easy experience, nor do I want it to be. About a week or more ago I was writing about this feeling of something big coming for me around the corner, something expansive but I didn’t know what it was. I do not necessarily think this is it, but it feels on the exact path of steps that I want to keep taking to give myself a chance at uncovering this thing or lesson or path. I hesitate to even write that out because I do not want to have any expectations around the experience as a whole, maybe it will just be 10 days of learning how to meditate better. It relates to the idea of not knowing where I am going, but just trusting my gut. I still do not know where all of this or my path is going, but I do know this is the right step in this never ending uncovering of my life. How do I know it is right? Well, it feels right. I have the buzz in my gut and a sense of peace and calmness surrounding it. I know that peace and excitement are sorta contradicting words, but they both feel true to this feeling and I cannot think of a better word to describe it. Overall, it is about trusting my gut and trusting the intuition that has allowed all of this to happen in the first place. And trusting that thirty days ago when I saw this man and life gave me multiple instances to talk to him before basically forcing me to, that it all happened for a reason, and that reason is now transpiring in front of me. The unknown around knowing that this is happening for a reason is tugging at my curiosity, yet testing my patience to allow whatever comes from it to take place in due time. A reminder to myself that I do not need to know or hope for what is to come, but release to it and go into this next chapter open to any possibilities and opportunities that arise. Trusting that it is all going to work out, because in the end this whole surrender idea is going to carry over into my life far more than 30 days.
With all of this in mind, I headed back to the hostel to figure out a bus ticket and pack up all my stuff. Once again I cannot use my number to book a bus so had to use Vincent’s because conveniently enough I had to go back to Jaipur, the city I was in before, to get a different bus to take me up north and Vincent also happened to be switching buses in Jaipur as well. We eventually got everything ready and headed over to the bus stop, getting some food for $0.25 each as a pre-bus ride snack. I had a thought pop up when we were walking to the bus station on a road that I hadn’t been on yet, in a part of the city I hadn’t seen. That it is impossible to see everything. Pushkar is a pretty small town, yet walking to the bus station a mere 500 meters away took me to a place I hadn’t been to or experienced yet. I realized I could spend a month in that town and still not get all the experiences or see it all. It makes me reflect on India as well, that there is so much to see in this country yet there is no possibility to see it all. This thought then leads me to my travels in general and the idea that there will always be one more place I want to go check out, one more country I can hit on this trip before I go home. The reason I bring this up is because as an enneagram 7 it is in my nature to always think of the possibilities of what else I can do or the fear of missing out. However, I do not necessarily feel that way right now. I think this is a testament to becoming a “healthier” version of myself, one who finds peace in the choices they made and not anxiety in all the other options I can make. If this is confusing it might be because I slept like shit last night and my brain isn’t working very well, or a sign that you should take the enneagram test. As mentioned I am a 7 (out of a 1-9) and my personality type ranges from “joyous and ecstatic around the simple pleasures of life, deeply grateful for the boundless goodness of life” as the healthiest version to “unable to discriminate what they need, cannot say “no”, performing, anxiety, always chasing” as average but overall not good. I say all of this because I realize that I feel like I am moving towards the healthy version of a 7, I don’t feel like I need to hit every country on my list, I feel content in what I am experiencing in each place, and overall do not have anxiety around the choices I am making. This all hit me when I realized that I was perfectly content in leaving Pushkar, even as I walked streets that I had not seen and became aware that there was so much more for me to see here. It was a good feeling and one that carried a bit of pride in the realization that I was growing. That there are times when I feel like I have to do more, have to maximize everything and find myself getting away from enjoying the day to day and being grateful for the moments I have.
We got on the bus a bit early and there happened to be another American who got on right after us, a guy about my age from Florida. He is the first person from The States that I have met in India. It is funny how I get a little excited whenever I come across somebody from The States, especially in countries like Sri Lanka and India where there seem to be very very few. This bus ride was not among the most enjoyable and when we finally arrived in Jaipur almost four hours later it felt wonderful to hop off and go find some food. I was talking to Vincent about the idea of going out to eat every meal and how I miss cooking but I know I will miss it as well. Getting food takes up large chunks of our days, especially when you can go to a restaurant and get a meal for $2. So much of our time is spent deciding where to eat, then waiting for the food, then eating, and then maybe hanging out for a bit after. It isn’t the food that I will miss as I find myself craving cooking my own meals and having a bit of control over my diet, but the time spent in restaurants. When you go out to eat and order a meal you oftentimes are spending at least an hour there. An hour where there is nothing else for you to do except either sit there, sit and talk with somebody, sit and read, or spend time on your phone. It forces you to slow down and just exist, allowing you to relax because what else are you going to do? Especially when you do not have data or wifi so you just sit there and wait. When I lived in the States I very rarely went out to eat, cooking the vast majority of my meals. When I get back into life back home I want to be intentional about going out and make time to spend two hours or so at a restaurant, whether it is with somebody else or alone. I really enjoy my alone meals now, either reading or just sitting there and existing in the present, so I want to make an emphasis on doing that as well. It can feel a bit scary to go out to a sit down restaurant and eat alone but can be really rewarding. I still remember one of the only times I did it back in Minneapolis and just brought a journal with me. It turned out to be such an enjoyable night and one I look back on fondly. Traveling has also taught me to care less about how I am being perceived and I am interested to put that to the test back home and see if I even think about it. The cost of going out to eat is definitely something I am going to miss. $30 for a burger and a beer vs $2 for a kadai paneer and chapati.
Dinner wrapped up and I said goodbye to Vincent as he is hopping on a 20 hour bus to go east. I head back to the same spot I stayed at before, settling in to my own room for $3 a night. Right away I get a calling to go into a meditation, so I shut off all the lights in my room and try to focus on my breathing for 30 minutes. I can feel that I am slightly out of the my meditation practice because my mind takes a lot longer to settle into that groove of quiet. I have one thought pop up towards the end that I choose to dive deeper into, the idea that I am more present now than I was at the beginning of the project. Let me explain what I mean. At the beginning I was so focused on what I was doing, so focused on what was going to happen next and almost trying too hard to be in the present. It is like the idea that if we focus too much on something it isn’t going to happen. The paradox of trying too hard, and I was trying too hard to be present that I think I was removing myself from the present moment. I only notice this now as I actually feel like I am existing in the day to day a lot more naturally. I say now, but what I mean is the last few days when I have been experiencing this overall feeling of peace at what I am doing and finding so much joy and beauty in the little moments. I just feel good overall, which I believe is connected to being more present, but not thinking so much about being present. Does that make sense? I hope I don’t jinx my ability to be present by talking about it now…
After the meditation it was already close to 9:00 and I hadn’t started the blog from the previous day yet. So much for finding time for a movie! Maybe a movie will just hit different after my time away meditating that the wait will be worth it. After I wrapped up the writing close to midnight I got a sudden motivation to workout. So, throwing all hopes at a good night sleep to the wind I worked out in my room before bed. This just lead to not being able to fall asleep for about three hours. At this point I am just shooting myself in the foot and asking for it. It is hard to write a clear and concise blog when your mind is half asleep. It also happens to be on the day that I decided to give up caffeine so I am not dependent on it for the duration of this meditation experience I am about to go on. So, lack of caffeine and sleep deprived led me feeling so-so about this overall blog and the conciseness of the message that I was trying to get across. There is not much I can do about it now, as in a few minutes I will be hopping on a moped to go catch a bus to head north, where I will not have access to post the blog because my data is about out. You win some, you lose some. Anyway, two more blogs left during this project! My appreciation as always that you all are along for the ride.
P.S. I miscalculated my time and have to publish this right now without any editing, I do not want to miss my bus. I will read back over it tomorrow to fix any mistakes!
