The Surrender Project: Day 4: Let's Get Intimate

I think I am underestimating how tiring it is to be out and about in these environments because once again I slept in a good amount. I am not sure why I always feel the need to recount my sleep to begin the blog, but I am laughing a bit as I write this out. Me, sharing a blog with friends, family, and a few others and each day I tell you how I slept hahaha. Don’t you worry now, you can exhale knowing I got my eight hours in, thank you for caring, please check back tomorrow to see how restful tonight goes. Anyway, I had a pretty run-of-the-mill average morning, similar to yesterday but no crazy thoughts and revelations during breakfast. Today I walked down the street and just popped into the first spot I saw to grab food, indulging in yet another masala dosa, which is like a thin and large savory pancake folded over and heavily fried, with potatoes and onions and a ton of spices in in. It is also served with a thick white “sauce” that is more like the consistency of a runny hummus, and another spicyish red sauce. As you can see I am really taking the time to dig in and learn about the cuisine. “Runny hummus” might not be the most appetizing way to describe this sauce but I think it gets the consistency across pretty well, even if I legit have no clue what is in it or what it is even called. Most of the places I eat at do not have menus, they are like stands that have a dining space inside, so you just walk up to the counter and say what you want, and there might be just the name or just a picture somewhere on the wall. Anyway, as I was eating and just watching the world go by outside I caught a late middle aged woman peering around a corner at me a few times, but when I would catch her, she would smile and go back out of view. Now, most of the time when people are staring it feels friendly enough but I just don’t think about it much. This time, however, this woman really caught my attention; she was wearing a scarf on her head as well as traditional clothing and some jewelry that stood out. Conveniently enough she was working at the tea stand next to the restaurant that I stopped at after breakfast, because that is just what you do here, you get tea after you eat. Or before you eat. Or an hour after you eat. Or pretty consistently throughout the day, because it is just what everybody does. More on this later. But as I headed over to get tea the guy working the stand asked if I could take his picture, which I was more than happy to oblige in because it also meant I might get a chance to take a picture of this woman who had this fantastic energy and I wanted to capture it. I took a picture of him and showed him, he was excited so I turned towards the woman and help up my camera and said, “can I take a picture of you too?” She had the same little shy smile that she wore when I would catch her peeking around the corner at me, but shook her head, the way all the people do here. In a way that I can never tell if it is a yes or a no. If you know what I’m talking about you definitely understand, if you do not, try this; shake, nod, and tilt your head both ways at the same time. It sort of turns into drawing a figure eight with your nose. I have no idea if this makes sense but I am trying my best. Anyway, I am going to take it as a yes so I hold up my camera and adjust the settings. I remember my previous couple days of reflection, that I want to slow down and take my time getting the shot, not just click it without thinking. With that in mind, I direct her to come out of the shadow a bit and into the light, then to the right, no not that far, back a bit more, one more time, perfect. The light was hitting her in a really cool way, where it felt like she was being completely illuminated but also standing in a dark room, so the background is basically already darkened out. She draws back her shoulders and puts this stoic and ever-so-slightly proud face, and I snap a handful of pictures. Tips to anybody who ever has a camera and takes portraits, don’t just take one or two, turn the settings onto burst mode and just hold it down. I probably took fifteen pictures of her within 3 to 5 seconds, and yeah, there is one that is better than all the others, and the funny thing is it is the last photo I took. I then showed her the image and she was so excited, it made me really excited as well. I stuck around the shop for another handful of minutes as I sipped my tea and took a bunch of photos of the guy making tea as locals stopped by, said hi, drank their tea, and went back to their life, all within a minute or two.

After heading back I knew it was time to actually book a ticket now, and I am not going to get into this but my patience when it comes to trying to get some of these websites to allow me to BUY A FUCKING TRAIN TICKET online tests me in ways that nothing else does. Not that I am frustrated or anything about it, nope, not at all. Two hours later and still no ticket purchased I throw my laptop on my bed because I knew I needed to meditate or something to move on from it. The roof felt like a compelling place to try and zone out for a bit, and it was ever so peaceful. I did have a revelation after my meditation today, and it was about how important this practice is. Right as I shut my eyes to get into it I had a fear pop up about what story I was going to tell today. Nothing seemed to happen worth sharing and I had that same fear about not knowing if anything “cool” enough would happen to be worth a share. “Chill out Henry” was what my mind responded with, so I drifted off into mediation for about thirty minutes as my laundry was going. What I learned was that mediation is such a wonderful tool to listen to the right thoughts come in. To quiet the little voice that is always talking, and to just bring awareness to thoughts as they come, sometimes they disappear as soon as you step back and just notice that a thought appeared. Sometimes they stick around, I think the ones that stick around are the ones that mean something, as this has been a consistent theme in my mediations recently, that whatever thought stays seems to be a map/revelation for the day that I end up writing about later, or just a theme for the day. Today I realized I don’t need to have some crazy thought about emotions, life, or travel everyday to make this blog relevant to my project. That the point isn’t to come up with something to write (not that I have), the point is to get out of my own way and allow whatever flows to flow. Today what flowed was that it is going to be a day to focus on taking pictures, and that I actually wanted a theme today, a focus of my photography. What came in was that I wanted to get more intimate with my subject. Oftentimes I shoot street shots of a subject across the street, with trash on the ground, a thousand wires hanging precariously, thirteen vehicles going different ways, and three buildings that all have their own feel to them. While yes, I love this photography because you can dissect it piece by piece and uncover an entire story from one frame, I wanted a challenge, something different. I wanted to connect to my subjects today, not just ask a person for one picture, but to really see them for what they are doing, to have a conversation with them, to get into their space and feel it. This became my mission for the day.

I set out with the intention from above, looking for shops or people working to get a feel for what they are doing. However, within probably thirty seconds out my door a group of kids spotted me and there was nothing I could do. After a bit it ended up just being three of them; a 14 year old, a 17 year old, and a 19 year old. We probably walked a mile or so together and just talked casually, they were quite nice and wanted to share with me, as well as ask as many questions as possible, while also poking fun at each other as late teenagers do. Then something weird happened, a woman fell off the back of her partners scooter while he was making a turn onto a busy street, she fell and momentum caused her to hit the back of her head quite hard. We watched it happen from probably 100 or so feet away, and I was just shocked at first. As soon as the boys saw it the older two full out sprinted towards her, stopping traffic and being the first ones to her aid, even though there was a group of men maybe 20 feet away. The 19 year old was the first one to get to her before a dozen other men got there. I didn’t want to be the tourist who jumps in when there is no need so I kept my distance and just watched. After the initial couple moments most of the group went away, and the one person who was holding a towel to the back of her head was the 19 year old, while also assisting her to walk up to her partner who was on the scooter still talking to a few others. It just struck me as odd, odd in a very good way of course. But I feel like that wouldn’t typically be the case, a kid literally full out sprinting into traffic to stop it, and then to the woman in the street when there had to be twenty plus fully adult men within 10 to 20 feet of her. HE was the one who took control of the situation and provided the care. I don’t point this out to say anything bad about the men who also jumped to her help probably as soon as they saw, just to notice somebody who didn’t fall into groupthink, waiting for somebody else to do something because it wasn’t their responsibility. I am also not saying people wouldn’t help elsewhere in the world, but the complete focus from every single person on her, even if it was more than enough to help, just struck me as very heartwarming, like these were some good kids and good people overall. The youngest one stayed back with me to describe what was happening, and then asked me to go with to help the woman. I didn’t feel like it was my place, so told him thanks for hanging with me and I hope to run into you again some day. He said he would say goodbye for me and ran off to his friends. Maybe I still need to think about this whole situation, but it left a really good feeling in me as I strode off to some quiet streets.

I walked a few streets before I ran into another group of kids who waved me over with high energy and the ring leader started talking, telling me to take his picture and send it to him. Maybe it was because of the three kids I just left who never asked me for a picture, didn’t demand my instagram, and were just friendly with me, not to mention the kindness they showed towards the stranger who fell, that caused this next interaction to rub me the wrong way. Now, I never want to judge people and I want to be open and friendly with everybody, but these kids weren’t putting out great energy. It was the demanding of the pictures to asking how soon I can send them, to telling me to take pictures of girls walking down the street, to asking a few other off-putting questions. I eventually just said nice to meet you and walked away. This isn’t really always that easy though, as a few chased after me on a bike yelling, “bro! Brooooo!” And other things to get my attention. They pull up next to me and kept asking questions, like if I was married, no, if I am alone, yes. “You’re alone?!” And burst out laughing, unable to comprehend that I was traveling alone. Then started mocking my walk, my hair, and other things. I started laughing because in my head I am thinking, “damn, I am really getting shredded by a couple of maybe 12 year olds on a street in India?!” I wanted to respond and tell them to leave, but in my head I am also aware that I might be one of the first people from The States that they have ever met, and I don’t want them growing up thinking people from the US suck. So, I just ignore them and keep walking, followed with more mocking and stuff before they left. I mean I do not take any of that personally, it doesn’t effect me at all, but damn! It still doesn’t leave a great feeling in me and my openness to connect with people. About a block later two girls stopped to talk to me, they were also probably mid teens or maybe a little older. This was such a positive interaction, they were sweet and friendly and asked if they could walk with me. This is one of the first times I have had girls come up to me to talk, it was almost exclusively men and boys before. It was such a flip from before and completely shifted my energy for the better. To be honest here, I am not sure where the lesson in all of this stands yet. As I sit here and think about it I am reminded there can be both “good” and “bad” interactions and this challenge is just for me to bear witness to both. Not to let them control my mood or pull me down, just to be aware of what is going on. I feel like everything just comes back to being in the present more. How many times have you heard that one? I feel like every trusted book I read or professional I hear speak they say the secret sauce is in the presence. As well as every lesson or reflection I have leads back to being present, which is basically the same as surrendering, right? Well, more presence it is then.

Fast forward my walk home and I decide to stop for tea again at the same spot. This time I hung out there for a while. I got more tea, took a hundred pics of him making tea, of people enjoying tea, of the older woman from before who had such powerful energy, and just watched what a tea shop is. It is such a beautiful place to hang out. I just stood on one side of the stand as people come and go, some shake the guys hand, others shake mine, and we just share a quick hello, maybe a head nod or a raised tea glass, and they pay 10 rupees ($0.12) and go on their way. All while I am there snapping pics as the tea guy tells people I am his friend so they all get excited and say hello. This was the exact thing I wanted today, to get intimate and real with one thing, one part of a full story; the tea stand. It feels like such a huge part of these neighborhoods, with a never ending flow of people coming to get their 2 or 3 oz of milk chai. It feels like a hangout spot, just a brief break from work or life to stop and enjoy a tea. These are the real parts of the larger story I try to tell from my street photos, so it was fun to just focus on one piece today. Yet another part of this Indian culture that I absolutely adore. I am excited to explore a new state soon and see how different they are, as well as tie in some similarities (that is if I can ever buy a ticket to somewhere). I am excited to have a focused photography day again, like a specific theme or idea.

Just for complete transparency, after writing to this point today I felt like it was sort of an average day. I questioned if this was a good enough story to share? (Funny that I think this after 3,000 words). Two thoughts sorta came up when I asked that. There will be days when I have more crazy experiences and days where they just feel normal or average. I am coming from a few days that felt really special in terms of what I did and some strong revelations I felt compelled to share that seem relevant in getting to understand how my mind works and give an idea about the ways I think that might provide clarity on this project as a whole. When a day doesn’t have those things it can feel slightly less fun to share, funny that this is what popped up in my meditation today, that today will be a photo focused day and it was completely. The other thought I had was that regardless if its the best read or not I am really enjoying this type of sharing. Yes, there are travel stories and events from my day that I love to share, but being able to write my thoughts completely unfiltered is so freeing. I haven’t felt alone yet during these five days in India so far, even though I have had one real conversation with somebody on the phone. I believe it has to do with the fact that I feel like I am able to share with all of you, whoever that may be. And for that I am incredibly grateful that a few of you are choosing to read this, and respond positively to some of my random ideas or thoughts throughout. It is freeing to be given the space to do so. It allows me to write in a way where I am not afraid of what I am saying, even if it is a bit odd. Like is it normal to write a 3,000 word blog about your day and some thoughts and then conclude it with a reflection on it not being your most proud blog? This is just me trying to be a normal person to you, and share the thoughts and feelings we all have around certain things. It is normal to question our work, to fear if what we are doing makes sense. My second day instagram post got like 85 likes. That’s the fewest likes I have had since probably early high school or something. And I know likes do not matter at all and I don’t care about them, but it creates a space for the doubt to creep in just ever so slightly, the thought if people think this is dumb or not, if it resonates with people. But I think this in itself is exactly the point of myself choosing to surrender to this project completely. To bring awareness to my own feelings, thoughts, doubts, whatever shows up throughout this. To be open and vulnerable about how I feel and know that it doesn’t matter, it is out of my control. What a freeing place to be in, to provide light to being a human, to feeling and thinking the way we all do, but being able to write about it and share my own journey. That at the end of the day this is the way I think and the way I feel genuine and true to myself, that I am putting something out there that is real to me, something that I have said I have wanted to do for so damn long and surrendering to it fully. If you know me you know I have massive dreams for life and high expectations for myself, but I struggle with following through on these ideas. If you go back and read a few blogs about my road trip with Mikal in 2021 you can see I wrote three blogs and stopped, it was supposed to be once a week for a year and I made it three weeks. So, this is a challenge to me, to stay committed to something that requires a lot of time every single day for 30 days. I am going to stop before I go on about something irrelevant. But if you made it to this point on day 4, thank you, thanks for tapping into my mind for a bit.

P.S. With all of that said I think the photos for this day are some of my favorites I have taken in a long long time. They are also the most fun I have had shooting and editing in the days so far. And this is saying something because everyday I take pictures I absolutely love it, it is quite literally my favorite activity in the world.