The Surrender Project: Day 8: Digging In
Today is not going to be about some fun travel story or happenstance, or the world proving that fun things are right around the corner. The reason being is because the extent of my exploration consisted of leaving the hostel to go walk down the street to get tea, food, and two bananas and then walking back. I did this twice. Instead it is going to be a reflection into my thoughts today, wherever that may take us because as of now I have zero idea, I am just going to start writing. I will say, I slept for almost twelve hours straight, and didn’t start my day until noon.
Fear got to me today. Maybe it has to do with finally settling into India, where I do not hear the honking as much, or notice the people looking at me, everything is just starting to feel normal. I think this allowed my brain to remove itself from the present and dig into some fears because that is just what that little voice in our head does, if it isn’t locked into something it starts worrying or thinking to occupy space. Maybe it is because I am a bit sick today, it was definitely something I ate, part of the reason it was in my best interest to stay close to the hostel today. It is crazy how the mind can switch so much in a day based on an infinite number of factors. Last night I was riding a bit of a high from life guiding me into that cricket practice, just feeling blessed and grateful for where this thing was taking me. Today I start questioning what I am even doing here. Why am I in India sitting around a hostel and then putting all my thoughts and feelings out into the world? Then home came up, the idea of getting a place back home and getting in the routine I seem to miss. Home means family and friends, comfort and grounding in a life that I know. But is also means a job and responsibilities, or back to “real life.” I put that in quotations because it is a common misperception that traveling isn’t real life, that it is a break from it all to go explore and fuck off for a bit. But I do not think that is fair, it also removes us from honoring what happens while traveling. It doesn’t feel like traveling to me, it feels like real and normal life, I just happen to be bouncing around to a different place every few days. I am sure anybody who has traveled longterm can attest. Saying it isn’t takes away from the hardships of travel, just like the hardships of every single variation of life you can live. Maybe not hardships, but the days like today where I was sick, didn’t have any motivation, and just overall felt lost in my thoughts and head. I know others have these thoughts too, it isn’t unique to traveling, same as it isn’t unique to working a corporate job you don’t like. I have good days and bad days traveling just like I did living in the mountains or working a job. I am learning how to not be judgmental towards myself for having a low day. That even if I am exploring in India I can have a day like this. Anyway, I keep sitting there thinking about this all, about what I even want out of all of this. About the fear of finding a job I actually want to do, of not even knowing where to begin in the process of finding that. About not knowing if home is even the comfort I am seeking. I dream about roadtrips, arguably my favorite type of trips to take. I think back to the last few I had and I realize maybe part of the reason I miss home is because it has felt like I have been traveling for a year. I moved away from Minnesota in February last year, for the first month and a half I didn’t work, I skied most days and did cold plunges. I went outside and explored, I walked downtown Frisco and watched movies at night, I slept in and just chilled. After getting a bit restless I got a job at a restaurant where I worked for about a month or so before we closed for a few weeks. I took off an additional week to drive from Colorado to Bozeman to photograph my friends proposal in one of the most beautiful places in the country. I then drove home, stopping in the Tetons before heading back to CO to pick up my roommate, Will, and hit the road for another ten days and few thousand miles. After that I did a solo trip to Utah to photograph the milky way, putting 6,000 miles on my car in less than a month. It was back to work, at least sporadically as I would work six days straight for a few weeks and then take off ten days to go back to Minnesota for multiple different occasions. Then a few weeks on and another week off. I quit at the restaurant towards the end of August and went to Utah with my friend group out there to Ben’s cabin. Then moved home for three weeks before I flew to Abu Dhabi. I guess I didn’t need to highlight the last year of my life, but the point is that my period in Colorado almost felt like temporary and like travel in a sense. It feels like I have been on the road for a while, yet in the back of my mind I am dreaming about taking a long roadtrip. Why do I keep dreaming of these things that would make me be alone?? That’s for another time maybe. Then I started thinking about work, 40 hours a week? I do not miss that. How am I going to get readjusted to that lifestyle? Work, workout, cook, chill for an hour or say hi to friends and repeat. I do not want to talk negatively about this lifestyle by the way, in fact there are many days I miss it. More so that I think we work too much, forty hours seems like so much time to commit to doing something we do not love. I do know some people who love their jobs, but most people I talk to and ask about it just put their heads down and grind, which is also such a commendable thing to do! I just think it makes the days go by faster and less room to do spontaneous or new things that help life slow down a bit. I don’t know where I am going with this, so lets see if we can clean it up a bit.
I thought about erasing half of that previous paragraph. It felt chaotic and messy, but then I realized that is a good representation of where my mind was today, chaotic and messy, so I am going to leave it. At the end of the day I want to experience days like this, I want to feel lost in my mind and have the feelings of fear and unknown. There is no special realization today, no “ah-ha” moment where it all comes full circle and I go to bed all content and cozy. There is just me writing all of this because it helps provide awareness to the fact that they are just thoughts, that by merely being aware that I have fear, it can help realize what it is and it doesn’t feel so scary anymore. That this is all apart of surrendering to life, it is just me exercising that muscle because it is really freaking hard to do. The days where I feel so free and I can do anything because of this, and then the days where there is no grounding and I’m turning around looking at the ground trying to grab onto anything but I just keep floating. There is going to be ups and downs to this project, I knew there would be, I am going to feel lost and confused. Even if I sit there and remind myself this is apart of the process, it doesn’t instantly go away. Part of me is grateful that I get to share this, as I have always felt a bit of a calling to share a more authentic side of life publicly. Social media is so saturated with people doing really cool things that it can feel draining or make us feel like we are not doing enough. I am grateful that I get to experience these feelings and feel comfortable sharing them publicly. Thanks for reading this blog in particular, it is a bit of a random one.
My dad used to think I was traveling to find myself. I am traveling because I love to experience new things and I love to take pictures. That and the fact that it is something I have always dreamed of doing and I know I would absolutely kick myself at 35 if I never took the leap at least once. Kick myself and probably think what if? That is not a feeling I want to have at 35. Maybe it isn’t about going home a new person, or finding yourself, but just learning a little bit more about who you are in the process of it all. It has taught me so much already and I do feel like a different person in certain senses, but so did working that full time job where I sat in a cubicle for two years out of college. So did working at a restaurant in a ski resort town and getting outside as much as possible. So did living in a house with the same three or four guys for five years. So did being in relationships. So did every part of my life that has led me here. Every thing is just a chapter to this lifelong book we are writing. Some chapters are longer than others, and some carry more depth and meaning. Every chapter cannot have a climax. But every chapter is as important as the next to the overall story. And maybe I am treating this book of life like I do one of these journals, I just start writing and see where it takes me. Others may plan out an outline first, what they want as the body and conclusion, a map of the chapters before they start. I do not know if there is a correct way to do this, just testing out this theory, at least for this chapter.
What seems to be the idea is to continue to just release to it. In my notes app today I wrote down, “this is the whole idea, Henry. To fucking release to these feelings and know you do not need to be in control.” Control is a challenging thing to let go of, especially when it comes to your entire life. Even as I type this out I realize I know that it will work out and I know that everything will be positive, that I will do the things I am supposed to. It isn’t like today was some deep rut in the first place, just a day of thinking and feeling some of the fears I have around releasing to it all. And even if I know all of these things, know it will work out, it still can be quite scary to not know sometimes. It can be so easy to get lost in the worry of what the future is going to hold. But that is the point again, to feel these feelings throughout the process to learn what tools I can develop to combat it and get through it. So when something a lot larger than not knowing what my job is going to be happens down the line, I know I have the ability and tools to deal with it in the most level-headed way, to make the right choices and walk the right path when it gets really hard. I am going to feel these emotions again, probably tomorrow, probably really intensely in a few weeks, and probably ten times as intense when I am also taking care of a family whose lives are my responsibility. This is just the start of learning and laying the foundation to be the strongest version of myself during those times. I made a Hinge account while traveling, it started out as a joint Hinge of pictures of Trey and I, trying to find some friends. We never actually swiped on it so we never made any friends. After a bit I made it solo, just to see if we could meet some people. Nothing ever came of it and I deactivated it about a month ago. The point of me saying this is because one of my prompts was: “This Year I really want to…” and I said “get so far out of my comfort zone I break.” Not like horribly obviously, but to know how far I can push myself and see where that is mentally. I am still unsure of how to push myself to get to that point, and many days I question why I even want to. Why do I actually want to get uncomfortable and struggle? Maybe because it feels like there is growth there, and it is an enjoyable thing to see yourself grow by putting in the work. After all, it is just another chapter in this book of life and no matter what happens or where it takes me, it will be another integral part to my overall story. So might as well just stay present in this time and enjoy it for whatever it is, not worry too much about what is to come.
I forgot to mention that I didn’t take any pictures today. I just couldn’t get myself to do it. Part of me was sorta disappointed in myself for not going outside and taking some pictures. But a larger part of me realized what this project is mostly about for me. Yes, I want to share a lot of my work and challenge myself as well as my photography by pushing myself to find opportunities and times to take pictures. But I also do not want to share a few random shots just to share them, just to say I did. I still want to put out work that I am proud of and feel good and confident sharing. I felt that it was better for the overall goal of the project to not force some pictures if I didn’t have them. The way the day went I didn’t put myself in any positions to take pictures, and I am okay with that because of the other lessons and realizations the day brought. I will never not write a blog for these thirty days. That is my biggest challenge here, and to continue to learn how to surrender to the present and be in it, and trust it when it is telling me not to force something. I think this project is a little bit different than other challenges in that there isn’t some set guidelines or rules I have to follow. I didn’t really have any idea how it would shape up, and honestly I didn’t expect it to be what it is at this point. But it allows to be fluid to match my life and what is showing up in the day to day. I hope this makes sense and once again I am so grateful for each of you choosing to follow along on this journey of mine. Oh, and enjoy the picture of a lil alley kitty I took outside the hostel yesterday.
