The Surrender Project: Day 7: Trusting The Process

Wahoo! One week in. Damn, already about a quarter of the way done with this thing. It definitely has felt equal parts like forever and like I started yesterday, as most things with time do. Time does feel longer when you are traveling. I would argue that it is because we are constantly doing new things, things that our brain selectively remembers because it is the first time. Unlike your drive home from work or school where you would arrive home and not be able to remember driving home. It becomes such second nature sometimes to go through certain parts of our life that we do not take it in or remember it. Traveling forces you to, or at least tricks your brain into remembering so much because of how often you’re actively engaged in the day. Because you remember more, the time seems to have stretched out further, making a week feel like 2 and 4 1/2 months feel like a year. This is all based on absolutely nothing, but if anybody has any psychology further than 11th Grade AP Psych (shoutout Ms. Robia) then let me know if this is correct or just a random thought. Anyway, one week in and I did not know how much I would be enjoying this, especially writing these blogs every night. There are times where I sit down and write for three hours, and whenever I am done I feel very alive and satisfied. My blog quickly becoming my confidant for traveling since I am alone 95% of the day. I am not complaining. Anyway, we have a fun story to unpack so shall we dig in?

Let’s start the day back in one of those in-between sleep states of consciousness, right where we left off yesterday. I realized most of that bus ride was spent daydreaming. I listened to music and just played out scenarios in my head. Maybe Michael Singer wouldn’t approve of this, he seems to be focused on being in the present, but man sometimes spending eight hours daydreaming about certain situations coming to life is so fun. It is wild to sit and just see what the mind can create in real time, it is basically like watching a movie in your head, a movie you star in, direct, and film. These daydreams might stay private for now, but the point remains, we do not spend enough time slowing down enough to think, daydream, be present, any of it. I am 100% included in this “we” by the way, this is just a certain realization I am learning over the last few days. Alright Henry, the people do not need another 5,000 word blog so lets get to it. But last thought (I may have already said this…), I used to be so annoyed to have to write a 2,000 word essay over a few days/week. How am I just cranking out 5,000 word blogs in one sitting?

After getting off the bus in a random part of Mumbai I decided I didn’t want to stay in the dormitory that I had booked, it is a room with 36 beds in a place of Mumbai I am assuming isn’t top notch. It was $2 a night, that’s why I booked it. Maybe another night we can test it out. I decide to cancel that and find a hostel where I might be able to meet some fellow travelers for the first time in India. It would be fun to share a meal or something with somebody, I know I know, what a crazy thought. I find a place that has solid reviews but is a bit more spendy, $10 a night. This is actually quite expensive for hostels around Southeast Asia. India is SO cheap everywhere but accommodation. I say screw it, it is Valentines day (I write these the night of the day it is, but I am posting on a one day delay) and maybe it would be nice to run into some people. Valentines has always been a bit of a special holiday for me. Growing up my mom would make a big deal out of it, she would write us cards or poems on hearts that she cut out of paper, buy all the candy hearts and some chocolate, and decorate the kitchen or parts of the house with red and pink. I may be mistaken but pretty sure she even would give us little gifts some years (Gage, Mikal, Blake, back me up on this?) She always has loved this holiday, so I think that has carried over to me a bit as well. I mean, why not celebrate love for a day? Anyway, I book the hostel and then go find an ATM, as you all know ya boy is straight out of cash. The third one I go to finally works for me and gives me out some crispy rupees, weird how crisp money always has a particular feeling attached to it. I find a local breakfast spot, go in and am so lost at what I am supposed to do. I see no menu, there is a sign that says “self service”, and when I walk in the two people working just stare at me and don’t move. I am wearing both backpacks, one on front, one on back and just got off a cramped sleeper bus; quite sure I have looked more presentable before. Nonetheless, I just look at one guy and go, “so, do you guys have food?” And he just points at the side wall where there is a red plaque with deep yellow writing on it, quite small as well I might add. I do not recognize a word so I just turn to a table of four gentleman who are watching me out of curiosity and go, “do you guys speak English?” One guys nods, “I have no idea what to get. Any recommendations?” He says what I should get and I absolutely butcher the pronunciation as I turn around and tell the guy behind the counter. I butchered it so bad he looks past me and just raises his eyebrows at the guy who told me, who repeats it a bit louder for him. I mean come on Henry, it was two words and one word had only one syllable! Lay off me, I didn’t sleep much and I do not operate well on little sleep as some of you all may know. He asks, “spicy?” I nod and he grabs a tray, like the ones from elementary school or what you see in prison shows, scoops out of this MASSIVE pot that is just sitting on the floor behind the counter, and grabs two buns with his bare hands and puts it on top. He then slides it across the counter and grabs my chai for me, sliding it effortlessly right behind the tray. It honestly felt like a lunch line. I grab my tray, shrug my backpack a little higher, put my head down, and walk over to sit by myself in the corner. Sounds like elementary school all over again… Only kidding guys, don’t worry, I peaked in elementary school. I eat pretty quick, I wouldn’t say I am exceptionally present or deep in thought, just sorta eating. Afterwards I map my hostel so I can see where to catch a bus. It is about four miles away and requires one bus to take you halfway, then transfer to the next. I eventually catch the first bus but it is packed out, and I feel awkward with my big bags and I am being squished from 3 sides and holding on for dear life so I do not crush the old Indian dude that is the only thing between me and the window. After squeezing my way off the bus I decide to just walk the next two miles, at this point I could use the movement after the sleeper bus anyways. So, I throw in the AirPods, decide to vibe to some Sumbuck, and start on the path to the hostel. There are two things I notice a lot of on the way. One, that men have the right away to pee just about anywhere. Never have I seen so many fully grown men—like the ones with kids, not 25 year olds—who will walk a few feet off of a road that has six lanes of traffic and relieve themselves in plain view of everybody who would want to look. On my walk I must have been in the designated “pee area” of Mumbai because I must have counted fifteen or so guys who walked in front of me to pee off the side of the sidewalk! Hilarious. The second one is the trash, oh my god the trash. Now, I know it is probably really hard to maintain trash with 1.5 billion people living in the country, and I know the trash problem is a fallout from things put in place by colonialists that date way back. But there also is some fault on the people who walk the streets. On my walk today I saw multiple men just drop trash onto the ground. Like unwrap a shawarma and just drop the napkin and paper wrapping at your feet and not think twice about it. The worst today was I watched a guy get off of his moped, grab a full trash bag off the back of the bike, and just throw it over the bridge into the river. I stopped walking and just sat there with my mouth agape for a minute. First off, there is no reason to ever do this ever. But I am sure people do it when nobody is watching. This guy, however, was almost as bad as the guys pissing anywhere, it was on the bridge of the same road, with three lanes of traffic on each side. Mumbai has a population of over 21 million people. The five boroughs of NYC make up less than 9 million for some perspective. I was shocked for the straight up lack of any type of cleanliness. And yes, you see it absolutely everywhere in the big cities. And I mean everywhere. I do not mean to only call out India, obviously trash is a massive issue basically everywhere, but man, is it bad here. Eventually I make it to the hostel, and check in around 10:30 or so. I clean up and settle in for a bit before I decide I need some more food.

I decide I am not feeling anything creative or photography related so I head out just to find some food. I grab a shawarma off the street as well as an ice cream bar and two chais. I feel like I need a nap so head back to the hostel to reset a bit. I am feeling low energy that is probably a combination of a few things. One, I half slept for a few hours last night, I am just straight up tired. Two, I was feeling a bit bummed out at the fact that there were no travelers at the hostel who were English speakers. Which a week into this thing I was deciding I was ready to meet some more people. Third, is probably directly correlated to the second thing, that I am an extrovert and I haven’t had a long conversation with somebody in person for eight days. I get my energy from people, and if you have learned anything about me from this blog so far I am sure you’ve realized that I enjoy having deep and meaningful conversations, a lot. Deep conversations that are thought provoking are honestly one of the most joyful things in my life. I miss that a bit and I think I become even more antisocial when I do not have it. Do not get me wrong here, I have thoroughly enjoyed my alone time the past week and I am not ready for it to be over, just a little break would be nice. Then I do something that I have been trying hard not to do for my time in India, I scroll. I scroll mindlessly for a while. It felt good to shut off my mind for a bit and not have to think. Not in the meditation sense, because I tried that and I basically fell asleep. But in the sense that it is nice to watch a movie or a dumb TV show, read a fantasy book, or anything that allows our brain to take a rest. We do not have to be perfect all of the time, it is perfectly okay to watch a movie after work on a Tuesday because we are feeling drained. Scrolling is probably my least favorite way to turn off my brain though, because whenever I scroll for a while, in this case probably an hour or so, I feel way worse after. If it is a good movie I feel fine. Well it is now about 4:00 and I have absolutely zero desire to go outside and take pictures. I have no clue what to take pictures of either. I am tired and want to just lay in bed and do nothing. I tell myself it is a challenge for a reason and that I at least should go and try to see if anything catches my eye. It is important to note that I am not in the heart of Mumbai, but a neighborhood type feel with lots of people hanging around and a school or two. It doesn’t feel like a big city too much. In other words, there is less crazy things happening to photograph. It starts out with me photographing the cats in the alley right outside the hostel door. In my head I think maybe I can do an animal theme for this one. Like what? I am in the middle of a massive city. Who is going to want to see a picture of a stray dog, a stray cat, and a fucking pigeon. I keep walking and at one point just put my camera over my shoulder. There is nothing that looks like a fun story to tell and I do not want to post pictures just to post pictures. I want to at least be proud of what I am doing and sharing with the world. At this point I had wandered about a mile or so away from my hostel, feeling quite drained. I wasn’t really hungry, but I was just tired man. I was feeling a bit down, probably due to being tired, and had convinced myself that it is okay to take a day off of pictures. Maybe that is the sign the world is giving me, to just listen to yourself and not force something that isn’t there. I wander down another street and end up at a fenced in cricket pitch. Except it is more just like a practice area, with it seems like four teams doing batting practice. I honestly still do not know the rules for cricket so I stop and lean against the fence and watch. The classic baseball player stance, one leg standing on the curb, one down below, both hands slightly above my head, clutching the chain link fence like I am looking longingly at America’s India’s favorite pastime. This goes on for about twenty minutes and then I move down the fence, standing next to a guy because I was going to ask him if he could explain cricket to me, “do you know any English?” “No no no.” and walks away. Well, there goes my attempt at socializing or doing anything productive today. I lean against the fence and watch a few more swings take place about 200 feet away. I think to myself maybe I can take some pictures from here? No, I am way too far away and I am not about to yell to the closest guy 100 feet away if I can come in the fenced in practice. Well, turns out I didn’t need to. Because that closest guys decides out of nowhere to turn around and wave at me, and then for some reason start walking towards me, in the middle of his freaking practice. At first I thought I did something wrong. He waves again and I return it. He then waves me over, like to come join. I do not react to this. He gets closer and asks if I play cricket. I tell him no, that I do not even know how to play. He just says, “Come!” I shake my head, not feeling up to do anything and he goes,”no. just come” and he points to a gate opening around the other side and makes a circle with his hand, signaling to me to walk around and come in. At this point there isn’t much I can do. I just say the classic, “alright alright I’ll come” the same one you give your friends when they’re convincing you to come out to get bloody Marys on a Sunday in college, even though you feel too hungover to consider it. It isn’t an excited “alright” it is a defeat into doing something for somebody, even if you want to just a little bit. I make my way along the fence, a long enough walk for the universe to look down at me and give me a sly wink. I give a little smile back, almost an admit of defeat, “yeah you’re right you’re right.” I walk onto the field and introduce myself to the guy, he throws me a popfly and I catch it, still unsure at this point what I am doing. He then asks if I play again, I tell him no once again. He says, “oh, you can just wait over there” and points to a few bags where some guys are stretching. At this point I was hoping I would throw a pitch or take a swing or something, but whatever. After sitting there for about ten minutes or so I realize I was just brought into a batting/pitching practice in the middle of Mumbai and I am standing in the middle of the outfield of a cricket field. Well, I guess I can take some pictures? I start just snapping a few from a distance. Then walk over to the guy who brought me in and ask if I can take some of the pitchers. In other words, can I stand right next to the line that you run by to pitch so I can get some of you staring down the batter. He says of course! So I get into it a bit and turn on burst mode on my camera, which is so clutch because it takes eleven pictures per second, so I can catch the moments that would be impossible to time out. Next thing I know somebody is asking me to take their picture from the outfield, then another pitcher, then another pitcher. Then some guy asks who is about to bat. Next thing I know I am standing behind the batter, with two other cricket players on either side of me as I crouch to get a fun angle. The rule is I can photograph but as soon as the ball is close enough the two guys jump infront of me so I don’t take a foul ball to the dome. I take a step back at one point to examine the pictures I have gotten and I get flooded with such a dose of gratitude and just straight up bewilderment of the situation that is unfolding that I get choked up, and have to hold back a tear. Seriously. How can this keep happening to me?! I wish I could make this stuff up. This life and universe never ceases to amaze me. Seriously y’all?!? I do not even have the words for it, how again the world is just like, “ayyy don’t worry mate! We’ll take care of ya!” (I guess the ‘world’ is Australian. Cool). No but seriously, having just a dumpy gloomy day, wanting to call one of my brothers to get their insight to taking a day off of photography because I do not want to share work just to share it (which I may still do at some point) and then bang, the universe comes out of nowhere and pushes me into a cricket practice where I have an absolute blast running around trying to capture some fun shots of the guys playing some afternoon ball. This isn’t supposed to keep happening. Maybe it is just because I am so aware and giving all the credit to the universe or God or Allah or whatever you believe in, I think it is all the same, personally. Maybe this isn’t that crazy to you all, maybe it just feels that way from my experience. But the fact that I was on the verge of just staying in, then I decide fine, just a walk, and I happen to come across this cricket field, I happen to hang around just long enough for a player to see me, and that player decides he wants a western dude to join in the practice. And it all falls into place so beautifully. I don’t know about you, but man this blows me away! I got full on chills, like major goosebumps all over my body in 90 degree heat (32 Celsius) walking home. It just feels so much larger than a simple interaction with some strangers. I mean take away everything, take away all the things that fell into place, because you can go so far back for that one, but just the fact that I was able to be right in the middle of a cricket practice and share that experience with a bunch of locals is such a cool experience! Like just that alone I am hyped about. Now add in the fact that I am doing an experiment, one where I have no plan, and just surrender to where life leads me. Add in the fact that I missed my bus, add in that I changed my hostel (probably because I missed my bus), that I didn’t even want to take a single picture today, that I happened to be there at that time. All of it just feels so crazy to me. At first the coach didn’t seem too pleased about it, and I think originally told the guy that I cannot be in the field where I could get hit. By the end he was asking me to take a picture of him pitching! I left that practice feeling so blessed yet so confused that life keeps having these moments work out for me. I so easily could have left thirty seconds before, and just ended up walking home and chilling. Not taking pictures and just having another day. Or hey, maybe I would have ran into somebody who ends up being at my wedding one day. Maybe because of the practice I missed out on something better, or anything along those lines. Life just happens the way it does. And I am so beyond thankful that it keeps happening the way it does for me as I am doing this project. It just blows me away man, like enough to just give life a little screaming, “ahhhh!” Because again it keeps playing out better than anything I could come up with. I want to explain this, to put some reasoning to it, something to help me grasp it. Maybe I am making it a bigger deal than it is, but maybe I am not. Maybe the world is just this magical and we just have to remove ourselves from getting in the way. And why not think so? Why not test it out and believe that each day is going to be as good as it can be. With that ‘good’ being either a random cricket practice, missing a bus, or even having a pigeon shit on you. Because I am so grateful for all of it, for the opportunity to learn from each of these moments, but mostly just to experience them and come out on the other side as a witness to them and shake my head because it is all playing out oh-so-beautifully. It is such a fun thing to look back to a week ago, I had just flown into India and wasn’t quite sure if I was going to have much to share, or what form my writing would take, or really anything. And now I am giddy with excitement about the gifts from the universe that keep falling in my lap. Gifts in the physical in what happens, as well as the time to reflect and become more aware of myself and grow in that way. And it seems early to say this but I feel like I have already grown and changed a lot from this. I feel like there is no going back now, I have to just keep on going forward and see where this whole life thing takes me.